So one of my good friends recently moved to a new apartment, and we had a little housewarming party.

I, being considerate and kind, offered to make dinner. This meant that I made everyone hotdogs, because that’s the only food I can really make consistently. I mean, I’ve tried pasta before, but fucking Christ, that whole boiling the pasta till it’s “al dente”? The first time I tried, the meal was delicious, but the second time, it was sort of like eating cut up bits of hollowed sticks. But I make some killer hotdogs.

Well, anyway. We got around to talking about how due to her living on the ground floor, and not having a bed yet, she’d probably get some spiders. You know, no big deal. Just huge, gigantic spiders that would eat her face as she slept. Or something.

Needless to say, she was freaked out and yelled at us to shut up about the god damn spiders. So we stopped talking about the spiders eating her face, and talked about how rational it was to have a fear of spiders. I mean, most of them are small, harmless, and are generally afraid of you. (Or…so they say). They eat the other bugs in your house, and are basically doing you a sort of favor. So, how reasonable is it to be terrified by such kind and gentle creatures? So what if they can cause necrotic arachnidism?

There’s a pretty funny story that I’ve heard about a woman capturing a black widow, and being too afraid to kill it, she kept it in a jar in the kitchen, and waited for it to suffocate. Somehow, weeks went by and the thing was thriving and well, even with no air and no food. She was horrified and decided that clearly this some sort of devil spawn. But a few days later, she came into the kitchen at an earlier than usual time before work…only to find her husband cackling to himself as he unscrewed the top of the jar just a tiny bit to let in air. Her husband had been keeping the thing alive to freak her the fuck out for shits and giggles.

I don’t know the ending to that story (the husband is probably dead right now), but basically spiders aren’t immortal. They can and will die if you suffocate them, light them on fire, or squish them. So there’s no need to be scared at all. (Unless, like me, you saw Arachnophobia when you were a little kid, and keep expecting one to jump on you in the shower). We talked this all through, and we were pleased with how brave and mature we were being. We were finally growing up. Psh. Spiders. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

Two days later, my friend found a giant wolf spider just kicking it in her bathtub, and called me to tell me that she was still afraid of spiders. I laughed at her, and told her to grow up.

The next day, I found one in my shower, and I screamed like a little girl.

Motherfucking Karma’s a bitch.

PS Remember that “Bought a DOG” meme after the internet showed up as a special guest on Fox news, blowing up vans and shit? Apparently, spiders are so fucking badass, they’ll kick the dog’s ass.

Never mind that the dog probably died from something else, I’m telling you. They’re fucking out there. Waiting for you. Waiting in your toilet bowl, ready to attack.

But there’s nothing to be afraid of. Yeah.

One of our astute readers left us this comment on the past article on this topic…

Hello again!

Just to let you know that the virus has either got a cousin, or has gained power to mutate, cos I got a new wall post from a friend which says something along the lines of (this is one “she” – or it – posted on someone else’s wall) :

—————————
Hello [recipent's name],
Steve told me something that blew me away, he has been taking growth pills from http://gainhuge.com.cn/ for the past eight months, and he is the talk of the dorm, never had girls now i cant count the chicks he’s with. The pills actually do work, they are guaranteed to work or all your coin back, yes this is the real deal you need to try it for yourself to believe and you wont be sorry!.

http://gainhuge.com.cn/
—————————

If you read it carefully, it looks like it’s been roughly translated by an automate, from the mistakes and all…
I’ve crosssed the name steve in both friends’ lists, and neither the sender or the reipient have someone named steve in their friend list – so apparently the virus can’t access your facebook info… yet…
The virus seems to have spread to 11 of her friends, but from her notifications it doesn’t mention me, even though I got it, so lord knows how many people have really received it from her…
I have looked through the net (google, live search, ask, yahoo) for any threads concerning this new form of the virus, and haven’t found any, so I thought I’d comment about it here so that if anyone feels like looking it up theye might find it… And it keeps you up to date of course!

Ben.

Thankyou Ben, you’ve officially saved every man out there that might have been offended by this comment from one of his female friends. “Hey…uh…Chris…there’s something I’ve wanted to talk to you about…um…you know, you haven’t really been dating lately…There are these pills, and you know…it might help…”

Way to destroy a guy’s self esteem. God, you’re such a dick, Facebook Virus. See if I ever talk to you again.

My apologies for the short hiatus, folks; things have been busy in our mountaintop lair of late. Utensil uprisings to plan, and all that.

Now, far be it from me, a lowly blogger, to lay the proverbial smack down on a poor unsuspecting gaming console – and one I don’t even own, to boot. But really, what am I going to do, hurt its feelings? I HOPE I make it cry, because quite frankly – and I’m just going to put this out there right now – I think the Nintendo Wii should be ashamed of itself. Sent to bed without dessert, if you will. (Though there’s many a fanboy ready and willing to stroke it to sleep at night, so I don’t feel I’m being too harsh.)

So as not to kick a dead horse too much, I’m going to try to refrain from making wee jokes in this article. It’ll be difficult for me, but if you use your imagination half as much as I do I’m sure you’ll catch them anyway.

I remember the leadup to the Wii’s release. So to speak. (That didn’t count, okay.) All I knew of this mystical new console was that it was white and shiny and, according to their media campaign, would change the face of the gaming industry forever.

I remember going to a friend’s house just after its launch and getting my hands on one of those sleek remotes for the first time. My friend told wide-eyed stories of a gaming revolution to his dubious technologically-challenged father, about how the Wii was going to change the way gaming is perceived; about a transition from the archetype of dungeon-dwelling geeks with no social skills holding basement weddings to cardboard cutouts of Lara Croft, to the heroic, outgoing gamers of the future! Gamers who would get their exercise for the day in a game of Super Mario Galaxy and marry sexy athletic girls in tiny shorts playing Wii Tennis! Yes, my friends, the Wii would change our world – no longer would gamers have to conceal their nerdiness; no longer would they be ashamed to admit who they really are. This was the time for us gamers to merge into mainstream society – a time when we would be accepted among our peers as equals, nay, the cool, trendy technological elite!

Or something like that.

But hey, even if you didn’t buy into the hype surrounding the product, the point is that when the Wii came out it had POTENTIAL. People expected great things, radical things, something which would, if not change the world, at least change the way we enjoyed our gaming experience. It was wielding a real “sword” instead of pressing X a bunch of times. It was using real aim instead of nudging a little joystick to swivel the camera on-screen. Like I said, it was Potential, with a capital P.

I mean, check this guy out:

Ignore his deadpan geekiness for a moment and admit it – that is fucking cool.

Unfortunately, as with every awesome thing ever, it backfired. Our dreams of playing Goldeneye in 3D (aww yeaah) have been crushed. Instead of giving birth to a new, hardcore awesome generation of technologically advanced games and mainstream gamers, the Wii gave birth to a monster. It gave birth to… the Wii-tard.

The future of gaming.

But see, it’s not really the fault of the system itself. The Wii still retains every ounce of Potential that it once did. The fault, I believe, lies with the game developers themselves.

The games. Are TERRIBLE.

The Wii. Makes people fucking retarded.

Instead of appealing to, you know, gamers, the game developers for the Wii inexplicably decided to design games for insipid rave-going tossers who get so fucking stoned in a pathetic effort to look cool they don’t even notice how much the games suck. In an effort to make gaming a social activity and cater to a younger, more retarded age group, they’ve dumbed it down to the point of sheer unadulterated stupidity. It’s the culture jump from the original Star Wars trilogy to Episode I all over again. For the love of god, when will it stop?

I started writing this article after going to a party where everyone got completely wasted and played a game which was basically about manic bunnies and their craaazy antics. There is nothing in the English language which can possibly convey to you how much I despise the idea of a world in which waving your hand around in the air to get a costumed rabbit with ADD to talk as much as possible on a cellphone in a cinema before the usher comes in to bust you is considered entertainment.

Failing that, there are plenty of other wacky adventures the Wii can set you upon! You can even build a city out of cake! They must be compensating for that getting-no-dessert thing.

For Christ’s sake.

Hello there my little snookle-wookle, how are you going today? Just thought I’d leave a loving note on your Wall so everyone can see how close and in love we are! I know we just finished a 50-minute phone conversation and were together all day today, but I’m really insecure and need to validate our relationship infront of all of our friends to make myself feel wanted!

I’m also going to call you adorable pet names at every opportunity, because it’s so sickeningly cute when we do it, no one will doubt how totally in love we are! Right, snookums? Tee hee!

I should probably mention, it’s a requirement of our relationship that you also make up ridiculous pet names to call me on MY Wall, because if you don’t then I’ll cry over the phone to you for three hours about how you’re distancing yourself and don’t love me any more. Don’t you know? Facebook comments with lovey-dovey goop prove that our love is FOREVER!

Awww, I just changed my status to “is totally in love with her diddle-cakes” (that’s you!). Isn’t that sweet!? It’s the same as all of my previous status messages, only I changed the pet name so that it will pop up on everyone’s noticeboards again and remind them that we’re totally in love!

What’s that? Your comment stats show that all the rest of your friends combined have left you 27 comments, and I’ve left you a total of 73,689? Well, silly, that’s just because the higher the quantity of your page I fill with TOTALLY CUTE comments, the higher the quantity of OUR LOVE! And remember, you have to reply to every single one or I’ll probably think you’re seeing someone else! I’m your girlfriend, and monopolising your life makes me adorable!

Tee hee! I just found the gift application, which lets me send you meaningful presents in the form of a little pixellated jpeg image! I’m going to send you a RING gift, because it shows I’m totally serious about our romance and hints that I want you to give me a real one! You have to display it on your profile, so all our friends will you know want to marry me!!

By the way muffin-bunny, I just added some new photos! Wanna see!? They’re all of you and me, together! Making out! Please comment on every photo about how much you love me and how cute we look together, because I need you to grant me public attention in order to make me feel desirable. Also, you have to set one as your profile picture or I’ll assume it’s because you think I’m ugly and are embarrassed to show me to your friends, and I won’t let you hang out with any of them anymore! Tee hee!

Hey, who’s that who just posted on your Wall! Is that A GIRL? Who is she? Why don’t I know her? Are you guys sleeping together? Because if she comments again, I’m going to call your mother and tell her you’re emotionally abusing me! Wouldn’t that just be the cutest!? I’m going to add her as my FRIEND, so I can leave totally nice messages on her Wall when actually I’m going to use her details to stalk her and pry into every aspect of her personal life so I can make sure she’s not a threat to my claim on you! I’ll be sure to mention how in love we are every time I talk to her, just to be sure she knows you guys aren’t allowed to be friends, ever!

Well, I’d better go now, my little dookle-snuggle-wuggle machine… So I can call you and we can talk for another 73-minutes on the phone about how in love we are! I’ll be back online approximately 7.3 seconds after that to leave another comment though, probably about how we just talked on the phone so everyone knows I’m your girlfriend and we talk ALL THE TIME. So you’d better check your Facebook again soon! If you don’t, I’ll never have sex with you again!! Isn’t that adorable!?

Love,
Your Facebook Girlfriend

(Be warned: girlfriends are not the only scary thing you’ll find on Facebook. Check out our recent article on the Facebook virus which has been going around.)

There’s a Facebook virus that just hit… what, today? I have no idea, but it looks like most of the comments on this blog seem to be from today, so probably. Probably this last week?

The message basically reads something along the lines of:

“hi [your name], lol i cant believe is that you?

have a luk urself…
[Insert what appears to be a google link to a download; I'm leaving the link out because I didn't bother opening it and it would be retarded to leave it here for unsuspecting readers to open. Haha.]**
(click open or run when prompted)”

Aside from the really, really fucked up “Click open or run when prompted” (that sounds so…friendly! So intimate! Clearly, we’re quite close here), it’s ridiculous because that’s the only part of the message where everything seems to be spelled correctly. Ok. SURE. WILL DO. I’LL BE SURE TO RUN THIS SUSPICIOUS PROGRAM ON MY MACHINE.

Anyway, people are fucking retarded, and will more than likely download it, and we’ll all just keep infecting each other until we’ve managed to wipe ourselves off of the planet. So basically, we’re just going to turn the internet into America.

If I EVER left anyone a comment saying, “lol have a luk urself”, what I would really mean is “Please shoot me in the head for not being able to spell LOOK.”

I swear to fucking god, they HAVE to be getting poor migrant farmers from some tiny rural village in bumfuck China to write these things. Or teenagers. Whichever.

Either way, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

** This was to protect the innocence of my more retarded friends. The link is actually “http://www.google.com.id.ewv1g6d2.ij4s0h.2b99df1a.cn/gallery.php?id=dd83hikzt&auth=9490559&cyua=iy2qpfpelm”. If you see this link, DON’T FUCKING CLICK AND DOWNLOAD IT. If you do, you deserve whatever hell it gives you.

[edit] Sounds like there are a few different links. One of the comments below cited “http://www.google.com.id.ft8s7b8n.9qie28.2b99df1a.cn/gallery.php?id=fx83wox9d&auth=4544912&cyua=majf63uvx9″.

[edit2] LOL. The link right above this edit, the one that ends in majf63uvx9, will apparently infect you as soon as you click on it. Whoops for putting it up. (I’m leaving it there, just to see if anyone else clicks on it despite this very, very obvious statement saying not to.)

[edit2.5] AND another. “http://www.google.com.id.2kcj3t2m.1um8b9.56982a17.cn/gallery.php?id=l18u1dj62&auth=1836653&cyua=9g5qckjlyd”. Remember, DON’T CLICK ON IT =/ These are just for reference purposes only.

[edit3] Just a note: if you’ve accidentally clicked on one of the links and are worried your computer may be infected, SEE THE COMMENTS on this article for help.

Also, here’s another horrible plague on mankind to watch out for on Facebook =|

When you’re a little kid, dinosaurs are the coolest thing ever. Don’t lie; you went through a dinosaur phase too, just like the rest of us. The second they released Jurassic Park our entire generation was done for. When I think back to that time in my life, I remember building blanket forts with my brother to defend against Raptor attack, reading book after book and being able to list ridiculous amounts of dino-facts, watching dinosaur docos with those crappy paper 3D glasses and thinking they were going to eat me (the dinosaurs, not the glasses), sitting through The Land Before Time several hundred times, and making Stegosaurus and Brontosaurus action figures do things God didn’t intend Stegosauruses and Brontosauruses to do together.

So you can imagine my delight, then, when the following headline came up in my work’s internal news bulletin:

“Dinosaur Footprints Seen in the Core Laboratory”

Yessss, I thought, I KNEW it! I’m working for a secret laboratory genetically engineering LIVE DINOSAURS in an underground facility funded by an eccentric old scientist with a cane, but sabotage has set one of the creatures loose and a technician has discovered the ominous muddy footprints of a Tyrannosaurus Rex which ESCAPED and will probably EAT EVERYONE I KNOW!

Unfortunately, upon further reading of the article I found out it wasn’t anything quite so exciting. But that’s most likely for the best. I guess.

The core lab downstairs is actually where my company tests drill core samples for oil or coal or gas or whatever to see if the field they grabbed it from is likely to have a sustainable amount of oil (in this case) there to set up mining operations. But check out what they found:

That right there is a dinosaur’s footprint. No, seriously. An actual one, right here in my office – they put it on display down in the lab so we could all go gawk at it.

The rocks are around 150 million years old; part of the Late Jurassic period, apparently. The sediments are lake deposits with sandy beaches and river channels. When the lake level dropped, red soil developed over the mud and sand. Some of the soil shows local pressure deformation – you can see in the photo – layers of mud up to three centimetres thick have been squeezed upwards and sand has later filled the depressions about seven centimetres apart on either side of the mud mounds.

So basically, given the age of the formation and shore setting of the rocks, what you’re looking at is the cross section (so looking at it from the side, not from above) of a dinosaur’s footprint. You know when you’re at the beach and the sand is wet and mud squeezes between your toes? It’s like that, only 150 million years later. Pretty cool, right? I mean, the scientist presenting it was no Sam Neil, but that’s not his fault.

So, caught up in these dinosaur-related reminiscences of old, I wondered – what the hell happened to my childhood? Because you know what? I don’t care what people say, Jurassic Park is the motherfucking dinosaur BIBLE, okay, but you only need to take a cursory look at current evolutionary theories to see that the entire scientific world has basically called bullshit to everything we were taught as kids.

When poor Pluto got de-listed from the Planet Club, everyone kicked up a fuss, but no one seemed to notice when our good buddies the Velociraptors went from this:

I WILL EAT YOUR FUCKING FACE

To this:

GOBBLEWARRK?

Seriously, what the fuck, that’s just not cool. There it is: my childhood. RUINED. They’re described as “feathered and turkey-sized”. That’s… I mean… it’s pathetic. Hahaha. And that’s just the beginning!

My theory is basically that when scientists were ensuring their discoveries were as hardcore awesome as possible and handing out planet badges willy-nilly, it was back in the early 1900s when everyone was on crack and theorising whatever they damn well pleased on the assumption it would make a totally sweet movie once they got around to inventing special effects and stuff.

Nowadays? Scientists just seem to be intent on being huge dicks and ruining all our fun by doing silly things like proving their theories and using rational thought and not doing hard drugs and stuff. They’re taking back their planets and their dinosaurs and god knows what else and slapping hands after they’ve already been dipped in the candy jar. It’s just bad parenting. ALL I AM SAYING IS JOHN HAMMOND DIDN’T PULL THIS KIND OF CRAP, OKAY.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a blanket fort to disassemble.

So a few days ago, I was sitting in class, minding my own business, when one of my classmates turned to the one beside her and suddenly asked:

“So, I was thinking about it this weekend and…like, I can’t decide. Who do you like better? Sailor Mars or Sailor Pluto?”

The other student replied, “Oh, Sailor Pluto for sure. She’s so cool.”

Needless to say, I killed myself on the spot. But before doing that, I wrote this list.

The Five People You Will Meet In An Introductory Japanese Class

1.) The Anime Freak – Female: Depending on what publication, your dictionary may have a picture of them next to the definition for “Retina-Melting Horror”:

You may remember this person from high school. Think about them then, and then multiply the annoying by about 10. At best, this person will be quietly looking into their binder, attempting to emulate what they believe to be Japanese modesty and serenity. At worst, they will be loud, obnoxious, talk in a high pitched voice, enjoy wearing cat ears around campus, and they will be without a doubt completely and utterly in love with Japan. In the most disgusting way possible. And by most disgusting way possible, I really mean, their very existence causes Japan to sink a little further into the Ocean in horror. Kawaiidesune? ^__^

2.) The Anime Freak – Male: The counterpart of number 1. The members in this category can go one of two ways: They will be surprisingly normal, albeit awkward and …well, in love with anime, or they will be self righteous assholes, who know everything about everything because…well, they watch anime. These are the people who tend to argue with the (Native Japanese) professor about how a word is used in Japan.
***May also be “serious internetters”. Look out for usage of internet memes and jokes IRL.

3.) The Linguistics Major: This person might be taking the class to fulfill a requirement for the major. A number of them seem confused and frightened by Types 1 and 2, but not confused and frightened enough to avoid them. They might sit and awkwardly laugh along to the jokes, or they might simply read a book or talk to the teacher.

4.) The Asian Studies/Japanese Language Majors: These people sometimes overlap with Types 1 and 2, however, we can assume in this article that this references those who do NOT overlap. A good 50% or so of these people are Asian themselves, or mixed. They will usually sit on the opposite side of the room from Types 1 and 2, and will hang their head in shame at every stupid question the teacher has to answer. No, pokemon do not really run around Japan. Yes, Japanese people don’t all love anime. The non-Asian Type 4’s may hesitate in telling others their major, or immediately qualify themselves with “But I’m not THAT kind of Japanese major. I know I’m white, ok?”

5.) The Slacker: These are the Chemistry and Physics majors who just need to take a language to graduate. They might be Korean or Chinese, or possibly even part Japanese. They come to class a little bit late every day, and leave as soon as the bell rings. Interaction with Types 1 and 2 are minimal, and they may occasionally speak to Types 3 and 4 to ask what the homework was. However, most simply want to graduate and get out, and thus, do not care.

So there you go. Enjoy your language class, and remember, UP the highway, not ACROSS the street.

So I don’t know how many of you get your musical suggestions. Some people get theirs from friends, others by following such programs as Pandora or the suggestion box of Amazon.com, others just take a wild stab in the dark and buy (or download, let’s be honest here) whatever strikes their fancy. As for me, I usually stick with the things I’ve been listening to for awhile or overhear in a friend’s car or something similar. But one thing I’ve also tried out a few times is by asking random people on the internet.

Now this always meets with the most random results you’ll ever see, which makes it all the more fun for me. Sure you get a lot of shit in the process, from the guy who will admit he doesn’t like a band because “it’s not emo enough” to the guy who suggests a CD about the delicacies of devouring babies in the elegant usage of screams, grunts and death squeals. But you also come across bands you’d never even think of checking out otherwise.

Now I’m sure those of you who follow the Metal scene probably have already heard about this, but for those of you who like me, appreciate Metal but don’t track its movements like a hobo following a drunken tourist, you may be just as shocked as me.

Pirate. Metal.

That’s right, guys, pirate-motherfucking-metal. Let’s be honest and cynical as hell, because as people of the internet we can allow ourselves that. Now, Pirate Metal, allowing ourselves to our honest cynicism, sounds like the stupidest idea ever. But the reality, my friends? It’s like getting really stoned, watching Pirates of the Caribbean, only Johnny Depp also has a really bitching guitar. One person I know referred to it as “badass, but hilariously so” and jesus-tapdancing-christ that’s the perfect way to describe it.

Now while I haven’t fully immersed myself in this rather amusing genre of Metal, I have managed to snag myself a copy of Captain Morgan’s Revenge by (the appropriately named) Alestorm. I’m constantly surprised by finding how much I’m really getting into it. It covers such things as a crew mutinying and being cursed by their Captain before he dies, terror on the high seas, and to more amusing topics such as a man named as the Pintmaster who fights with a flagon of ale and is undefeatable to a song called “Wenches and Meat” which, knowing me, will most likely be the thing I sing next time I’m drunk in a bar with people who are similar to me in the fact that they will remember nothing of it in the morning.

Of course, those sad pitiful bastards that like neither Pirates nor Metal will naturally not like this either. Also, while I find the genre to be amazing and hilariously badass as aforementioned, I can also see how the novelty can wear off mighty quick. Nonetheless, if you feel like a quick laugh and something that is most definitely interesting as hell to listen to, pick up a stein of your favorite beer, drink up and slip in some Alehouse. If by the second or third drink you don’t find you and your friend swaying in unison and mumbling the lyrics under your breaths, then you’re obviously nothing but a sorry landlubber.

I have to say though, this does make me wonder about other types of Metal. I’ve heard of Power Metal, Speed Metal, Prog Metal, Symphonic Metal, Death Metal and many others, yet for some reason this genre keeps on throwing sub-genre after sub-genre at me. Each one has certain similarities but also brings something new to the table and Pirate Metal is merely my most recent discovery. I think out of curiosity if nothing more, I’ll start typing random words before Metal and seeing what pops up. “Boob Metal” perhaps. Or “Super Totally Awesome Metal”. But know this, oh readers, if I don’t return to rant on another day that’s only because I’ve found the one type of Metal that by its mere name alone will make all other subgenres of Metal completely obsolete.

That’s right. Ninja Metal.

~ Guest Article written by Agent 22

According to the Brits, the “world’s oldest joke” has been traced back to 1900 BC.

You can thank the 19th Century BC for bringing us other such whacky hilarity as the rise and fall of several unpronounceable Pharaohs (where by unpronounceable I mean they all had the same name and I can’t pronounce it); the birth of Abraham, founding father of the Israelites (and that really annoying song about his many sons we used to have to sing in choir as a warm-up); a war or two, and an invasion of Greece by some other Greeks, presumably because they were attention whores and wanted an awesome blockbuster action movie to be made about them 40-odd centuries later.

Thanks to the research of the esteemed University of Wolverhampton, we can now add the birth of toilet humour to that list.

I’m not even kidding, it was a smut joke. Check this out for cutting edge Sumerian wit: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”

Oho! Zing! Yeah, you uh… you tell ‘em. Did I mention the 19th Century BC also played host to the fall of the last Sumerian dynasty? Yeah. I think I can see where the downward spiral kicked in. It could possibly have had something to do with their civilisation being run by potty-training toddlers and giggling pre-teens.

But hey, who am I to judge? Us 21st Century-goers are the ones funding actual university programmes for intensive research into dirty jokes. Their final publication on the study was actually the “world’s oldest top 10 joke list”, which sounds like a Cracked article waiting to happen.

Landing a close second place a few centuries later was a gag about another unpronounceable pharaoh quoted as “How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.” Talk about eccentric. Apparently hiring a stripper was too easy for this guy.

Coming from the Brits in the 10th Century we have “What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before? A key!” Gosh! And here I was thinking it was going to be your penis! Oh those crazy Anglo-Saxons, they sure fooled me with their provocative irony and rebellion against taboo.

I guess what’s really more comical than the jokes themselves is that nothing has really changed in the last four millennia. But can we learn from our mistakes, people? You know as well as I do it was only a matter of time before the Ancient Egyptians started gluing captions to their cats, plus those Sumerians were probably right into the 2 Girls 1 Cup action, and look what happened to them.

Let us break the cycle, once and for all.

So this week, I went to go see Batman: The Dark Knight, because I am a conformist who easily succumbs to peer pressure. Also, I desperately wanted a hot dog that night, and when I was told that I could get one AND a drink for the mere price of 2.00 (at a THEATRE!) because a friend worked there…well. I was sold. Note that I don’t actually know anything about Batman, and that I haven’t seen any other Batman movie. So I might be wrong here but…

The movie was fucking ace.

Despite the fact that Batman sounds like a heavy smoker named Barbara, all of the acting was fantastic. I’m not one to be into super hero movies, because they make me think of movies based on video games (oho, what’s this? We just had an article related to this? Really?) I feel a little bit like the producers are trying to rip me off, taking something I enjoy and making it into a flashy, high end film with the hottest actors that their budgets can manage. And usually COMPLETELY lacking whatever it was that made the original product so great. Never the less, I did like Ironman, so I figured I’d give this baby a shot.

The movie was like 458420 hours long, so I won’t try and write out a summary for you. Just some key points:

1. Bruce Wayne’s whole “playboy” thing was blown a little bit out of proportion, but somehow, it worked.
2. People are calling for an oscar for Heath Ledger, and he did an amazing job. I don’t think the oscar is going to happen but…Jesus Christ. The guy WAS the Joker. There’s no way you could tie this guy:

And this guy:

Insane. But there’s going to be a shitload of biases in all directions. The fans will want Heath Ledger to get an oscar because he’s dead, the voters won’t want that because…well, because he’s dead. And they probably don’t want to give the impression that death = oscar. Does he deserve an oscar? Who knows?

3. The moment leading up to Two Face…c’mon, I don’t follow batman, and even I was excited. The wait was fun.
4. The Joker apparently has no real backstory, according to my thorough research (aka browsing wikipedia at work). There’s something about him falling into a vat of chemicals or something or other, but basically, they keep the whole “WHOO MYSTERY” theme pretty well. In this movie, he has those scars on the side of the face, which seems absent from the comics, but which reminds me of Kuchisake Onna, so that’s always good.
5. Fuck Microsoft Office for closing and losing the rest of this article.
6. There were a bunch of really random cameos, one of them being Anthony Michael Hall. (That Dead Zone guy?!).
7. Morgan Freeman is always a winner in my books.
8. For those who have already seen this movie: The pencil trick was badass.
9. WTF, seriously, Batman’s girlfriend is a total whore.

So, for those of you who haven’t yet gone, go see it. The music is great, the action is really …action packed, and Heath Ledger does a magic trick. No, really. He makes a pencil VANISH. Don’t spoil it for yourself online though; those videos are poor quality and REALLY, REALLY don’t pack the same punch. You have to watch it in context, and you’ll be pleased that you did.

Why So Serious?: 9.5/10 teacups. Yeeaaaaah.