Giant Fucking Spiders are NOT TO BE FEARED. Totally.

So one of my good friends recently moved to a new apartment, and we had a little housewarming party.

I, being considerate and kind, offered to make dinner. This meant that I made everyone hotdogs, because that’s the only food I can really make consistently. I mean, I’ve tried pasta before, but fucking Christ, that whole boiling the pasta till it’s “al dente”? The first time I tried, the meal was delicious, but the second time, it was sort of like eating cut up bits of hollowed sticks. But I make some killer hotdogs.

Well, anyway. We got around to talking about how due to her living on the ground floor, and not having a bed yet, she’d probably get some spiders. You know, no big deal. Just huge, gigantic spiders that would eat her face as she slept. Or something.

Needless to say, she was freaked out and yelled at us to shut up about the god damn spiders. So we stopped talking about the spiders eating her face, and talked about how rational it was to have a fear of spiders. I mean, most of them are small, harmless, and are generally afraid of you. (Or…so they say). They eat the other bugs in your house, and are basically doing you a sort of favor. So, how reasonable is it to be terrified by such kind and gentle creatures? So what if they can cause necrotic arachnidism?

There’s a pretty funny story that I’ve heard about a woman capturing a black widow, and being too afraid to kill it, she kept it in a jar in the kitchen, and waited for it to suffocate. Somehow, weeks went by and the thing was thriving and well, even with no air and no food. She was horrified and decided that clearly this some sort of devil spawn. But a few days later, she came into the kitchen at an earlier than usual time before work…only to find her husband cackling to himself as he unscrewed the top of the jar just a tiny bit to let in air. Her husband had been keeping the thing alive to freak her the fuck out for shits and giggles.

I don’t know the ending to that story (the husband is probably dead right now), but basically spiders aren’t immortal. They can and will die if you suffocate them, light them on fire, or squish them. So there’s no need to be scared at all. (Unless, like me, you saw Arachnophobia when you were a little kid, and keep expecting one to jump on you in the shower). We talked this all through, and we were pleased with how brave and mature we were being. We were finally growing up. Psh. Spiders. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

Two days later, my friend found a giant wolf spider just kicking it in her bathtub, and called me to tell me that she was still afraid of spiders. I laughed at her, and told her to grow up.

The next day, I found one in my shower, and I screamed like a little girl.

Motherfucking Karma’s a bitch.

PS Remember that “Bought a DOG” meme after the internet showed up as a special guest on Fox news, blowing up vans and shit? Apparently, spiders are so fucking badass, they’ll kick the dog’s ass.

Never mind that the dog probably died from something else, I’m telling you. They’re fucking out there. Waiting for you. Waiting in your toilet bowl, ready to attack.

But there’s nothing to be afraid of. Yeah.

Hi, It’s Me, Your Facebook Girlfriend!

Hello there my little snookle-wookle, how are you going today? Just thought I’d leave a loving note on your Wall so everyone can see how close and in love we are! I know we just finished a 50-minute phone conversation and were together all day today, but I’m really insecure and need to validate our relationship infront of all of our friends to make myself feel wanted!

I’m also going to call you adorable pet names at every opportunity, because it’s so sickeningly cute when we do it, no one will doubt how totally in love we are! Right, snookums? Tee hee!

I should probably mention, it’s a requirement of our relationship that you also make up ridiculous pet names to call me on MY Wall, because if you don’t then I’ll cry over the phone to you for three hours about how you’re distancing yourself and don’t love me any more. Don’t you know? Facebook comments with lovey-dovey goop prove that our love is FOREVER!

Awww, I just changed my status to “is totally in love with her diddle-cakes” (that’s you!). Isn’t that sweet!? It’s the same as all of my previous status messages, only I changed the pet name so that it will pop up on everyone’s noticeboards again and remind them that we’re totally in love!

What’s that? Your comment stats show that all the rest of your friends combined have left you 27 comments, and I’ve left you a total of 73,689? Well, silly, that’s just because the higher the quantity of your page I fill with TOTALLY CUTE comments, the higher the quantity of OUR LOVE! And remember, you have to reply to every single one or I’ll probably think you’re seeing someone else! I’m your girlfriend, and monopolising your life makes me adorable!

Tee hee! I just found the gift application, which lets me send you meaningful presents in the form of a little pixellated jpeg image! I’m going to send you a RING gift, because it shows I’m totally serious about our romance and hints that I want you to give me a real one! You have to display it on your profile, so all our friends will you know want to marry me!!

By the way muffin-bunny, I just added some new photos! Wanna see!? They’re all of you and me, together! Making out! Please comment on every photo about how much you love me and how cute we look together, because I need you to grant me public attention in order to make me feel desirable. Also, you have to set one as your profile picture or I’ll assume it’s because you think I’m ugly and are embarrassed to show me to your friends, and I won’t let you hang out with any of them anymore! Tee hee!

Hey, who’s that who just posted on your Wall! Is that A GIRL? Who is she? Why don’t I know her? Are you guys sleeping together? Because if she comments again, I’m going to call your mother and tell her you’re emotionally abusing me! Wouldn’t that just be the cutest!? I’m going to add her as my FRIEND, so I can leave totally nice messages on her Wall when actually I’m going to use her details to stalk her and pry into every aspect of her personal life so I can make sure she’s not a threat to my claim on you! I’ll be sure to mention how in love we are every time I talk to her, just to be sure she knows you guys aren’t allowed to be friends, ever!

Well, I’d better go now, my little dookle-snuggle-wuggle machine… So I can call you and we can talk for another 73-minutes on the phone about how in love we are! I’ll be back online approximately 7.3 seconds after that to leave another comment though, probably about how we just talked on the phone so everyone knows I’m your girlfriend and we talk ALL THE TIME. So you’d better check your Facebook again soon! If you don’t, I’ll never have sex with you again!! Isn’t that adorable!?

Love,
Your Facebook Girlfriend

(Be warned: girlfriends are not the only scary thing you’ll find on Facebook. Check out our recent article on the Facebook virus which has been going around.)

Hell on Earth: Japanese 101

So a few days ago, I was sitting in class, minding my own business, when one of my classmates turned to the one beside her and suddenly asked:

“So, I was thinking about it this weekend and…like, I can’t decide. Who do you like better? Sailor Mars or Sailor Pluto?”

The other student replied, “Oh, Sailor Pluto for sure. She’s so cool.”

Needless to say, I killed myself on the spot. But before doing that, I wrote this list.

The Five People You Will Meet In An Introductory Japanese Class

1.) The Anime Freak – Female: Depending on what publication, your dictionary may have a picture of them next to the definition for “Retina-Melting Horror”:

You may remember this person from high school. Think about them then, and then multiply the annoying by about 10. At best, this person will be quietly looking into their binder, attempting to emulate what they believe to be Japanese modesty and serenity. At worst, they will be loud, obnoxious, talk in a high pitched voice, enjoy wearing cat ears around campus, and they will be without a doubt completely and utterly in love with Japan. In the most disgusting way possible. And by most disgusting way possible, I really mean, their very existence causes Japan to sink a little further into the Ocean in horror. Kawaiidesune? ^__^

2.) The Anime Freak – Male: The counterpart of number 1. The members in this category can go one of two ways: They will be surprisingly normal, albeit awkward and …well, in love with anime, or they will be self righteous assholes, who know everything about everything because…well, they watch anime. These are the people who tend to argue with the (Native Japanese) professor about how a word is used in Japan.
***May also be “serious internetters”. Look out for usage of internet memes and jokes IRL.

3.) The Linguistics Major: This person might be taking the class to fulfill a requirement for the major. A number of them seem confused and frightened by Types 1 and 2, but not confused and frightened enough to avoid them. They might sit and awkwardly laugh along to the jokes, or they might simply read a book or talk to the teacher.

4.) The Asian Studies/Japanese Language Majors: These people sometimes overlap with Types 1 and 2, however, we can assume in this article that this references those who do NOT overlap. A good 50% or so of these people are Asian themselves, or mixed. They will usually sit on the opposite side of the room from Types 1 and 2, and will hang their head in shame at every stupid question the teacher has to answer. No, pokemon do not really run around Japan. Yes, Japanese people don’t all love anime. The non-Asian Type 4’s may hesitate in telling others their major, or immediately qualify themselves with “But I’m not THAT kind of Japanese major. I know I’m white, ok?”

5.) The Slacker: These are the Chemistry and Physics majors who just need to take a language to graduate. They might be Korean or Chinese, or possibly even part Japanese. They come to class a little bit late every day, and leave as soon as the bell rings. Interaction with Types 1 and 2 are minimal, and they may occasionally speak to Types 3 and 4 to ask what the homework was. However, most simply want to graduate and get out, and thus, do not care.

So there you go. Enjoy your language class, and remember, UP the highway, not ACROSS the street.

My Favorite Drink is … Wait, What?!

Last night, an ESL student came up to the front desk of my job and asked me if he could interview me. He specified that he needed a “real live American” to talk to. Well, who can pass up a chance like that?

The interview consisted of several questions asking about my name, favorite restaurants, foods and drinks. While one might assume that this means the student is perhaps studying foods and related items to expand their vocabulary, I think that these questions show what kind of image we Americans are giving off to the rest of the world. We have no other interests than food, and maybe our own names. Maybe.

Anyway, we get to question number 5 with no real problem (a few spelling errors here and there, nothing big), and the student reads the following:

“What is your favorite drink?”

I attempted to answer with water, but was informed that water did not count.

“Ok…um, how about coke?”

The student nodded in approval, and wrote down what I assumed was my answer. However, when I glanced at his notepad, I was met with the following :

“5. What is your favorite drink?”

“Cock.”

…

But it somehow got worse on question number 6, when I was asked “What did you have for lunch today?” to which I responded, “A turkey sandwich.” The student then told me that in his country, Turkey was a boys’ name, and that his younger brother was named Turkey. “Ha-ha, do you eat little boy sandwiches?”

I can’t tell you much more because at this point my head exploded, but it was an interesting experience. More importantly, it made me remember all the other ESL students that had come by the front desk in the past and raised a very important question. What the FUCK are they teaching them, anyway?

One student asked me to explain to him what was meant by the phrase, “Hey! I found another stiff over here.” (Cop A to Cop B). Another had asked me where the most “hip happenin’ cool” on campus was. And now here was a student innocently (or so we assume) writing down my favorite drink as being “cock” and concluding that I eat little boys for breakfast.

I realize that idioms and colloquialisms are hard to grasp, but if they’re going to try and teach them anyway, why not teach some useful ones? How likely is an ESL student to hear “I found another stiff over here”? Unless they plan on being the murdered corpse or one of the cops, I don’t see that knowledge being particularly useful. I haven’t actually even heard of some of these idioms that are being taught. Consider the following (Bill Nyeee the science guy style):

1. A Doubting Thomas (Fuck you Thomas.)

2. A Drop in the Bucket (Poo?)

3. Can’t Cut The Mustard (It’s a liquid)

4. Get Down to Brass Tacks (Yes…yes, we.. should?)

5. No Room to Swing a Cat (And I like to swing cats as frequently as possible, so this will not do at all.)

6. Pig In A Poke (WHAT?)

7. Queer the pitch (This sounds like a gay baseball joke, but I know it’s not. But it sounds like it.)

8. Use Your Loaf (…of bread.)

So, did you know what any of those meant? Because I don’t. All I know is, don’t say number 7 downtown unless you want to be beaten to death by the most stylish purses imaginable. Just sayin.

I guess I’m just starting to understand why every foreign student looks perpetually confused when they find that we’re not all wearing platform disco shoes, and using words like “groovy” and “far out”. Why does everyone keep saying how cold everything is?! WHY?! Let’s help them out a little bit. Teach them the worst first, so they know what shouldn’t be used (although they can, if they want). This will avoid that whole “Oh shit, I know that that’s a bad word, but you seem completely unaware of this fact” situation. C’mon. Give them a break already. No need to burden them more in their efforts to learn a foreign language, right?

Fortunately for me though, everything worked out in my story. We fixed the …problems in the spelling of coke, and my ESL student was apparently smart enough to be cracking jokes with me in English. After the turkey comment, at my horrified expression, he replied, “Ha-ha, no, no, don’t worry, I joke. That joke, I know that, the turkey, the name turkey, here is type of chicken.”

Is type of chicken is right, mother fucker. And don’t you forget it.

(My coworker is still insisting that I should have “corrected” c-o-c-k to s-e-m-e-n for the question and answer to really make any sense, but I refused.)

On the Art of International Flirting

In keeping with the theme of loooove set by my esteemed colleague Agent T’s last article, I thought I’d take the time to talk a little about holiday romance. You’d be amazed how different dating (or more *ahem* casual relationships) can be in different countries. Fo’ serious. If you don’t know the local etiquette, dating in a foreign country can be like rocking up to a tennis match with full grid iron padding and AN AXE or something and wondering why everyone’s looking at you funny.

For the young, whimsical lovers of wordpress.com we here at the Teapot Army have faced the dangers of the international dating scene and compiled some experiences of our own and that of our more well-travelled friends to educate our readers on dating decorum and flirting faux pas to look out for when traversing the globe.

So if you’re lookin’ for some lovin’ on your journey, here’s what to expect:

America: Americans are loud and full of themselves but have that dashing kind of charm you can’t get anywhere else in the world. American dating is all about the coffee. “Hey, do you want to get coffee sometime?” “Do you what to come up for a cup of coffee?” Seriously, what the fuck. It’s like having sex is so taboo here you need to use code words in case someone else is listening in. It’s little wonder the rest of the world (read: Europe lol) seems promiscuous in comparison when in the US you’re expected to have a pretence just for going out with someone, let alone getting them in the sack. Also, I once got hit on by my cousin in Texas. I wish I was kidding.

Cambodia: See that gorgeous girl at the bar with the come-hither look who wants you to buy her a drink? Yeah, let me vouch right now for the fact that once you sit down beside her, she’s gotten you wasted and offered to sell you a bag of weed which looks like it’s been mixed with dirt for the meagre price of hard US currency, your expensive camera and your passport, she somehow doesn’t seem so attractive. Especially when you find the next morning that you needed those things to, you know, live. Awesome place, but suffice to say if you’re going out at night it might be best to take some buddies with you. Having a wingman looking out for your best interests is never going to be a bad thing.

Canada: Snow + blankets + someone warm to snuggle up to? I’ll let you be the judge of that, eh?

France: These guys aren’t shy. If you’re female and aren’t a leper you’re pretty much prime meat for 30–40 year old men looking to woo almost anything that moves. Guys will bend over backwards for the chance to enjoy the company of a pretty girl, so if you’re wearing a skirt and looking for a good time (or a free meal), the City of Love is the place for you. If you’re likely to be taken aback by gleeful invasions of your personal space by creepy old men, however, I should warn you that it’s entirely possible you’ll have to pry a few hopefuls off your face in the middle of the street. Be prepared for intimate relations with strangers who’ll wine and dine you then take you back to their place for fondue with three cheeses and wild passionate sex. Unnerving though it can be if you’re more on the conservative side, it’s all good-natured and if you’re not looking to “go all the way” you’ll generally get nothing more than a rueful grin and an “I’ll come back tomorrow night then!” from your consort when you wish them goodnight (at which point I advise you to lie about which hotel you’re staying in).

India: If you’ve ever seen a Bollywood movie you’ll know that PDA’s (that is, Public Displays of Affection) are off limits. Looking to make out on a street corner, a park bench or in the back of the bar? You’d better hope there’s both a celebrant and a doctor nearby, because you’ll need the former before you do so, and the latter for afterwards. While this may seem bizarre to your average Frenchman, it’s actually a great place to have good, innocent, flirtatious fun.

Norway: One word: moonshine. It’s the stuff of VIKINGS. I swear to god they drink it mixed with the strongest, bitterest coffee you’ve ever tasted mixed at like a 50/50 ratio, so by the time you’ve finished a good few of these you’re willing to go home with the first sexily-accented member of the appropriate gender you lay eyes upon.

And that’s just six to start you off; there are a whooole lot more countries out there just waiting for you to sleep ar- I mean visit and share in their culture. Watch your step, because in this big new world of international / internet-connected / global village bullshit dating, you never know what you’ll put your foot into without realising.