Just to let you know that the virus has either got a cousin, or has gained power to mutate, cos I got a new wall post from a friend which says something along the lines of (this is one “she” – or it – posted on someone else’s wall) :
—————————
Hello [recipent's name],
Steve told me something that blew me away, he has been taking growth pills from http://gainhuge.com.cn/ for the past eight months, and he is the talk of the dorm, never had girls now i cant count the chicks he’s with. The pills actually do work, they are guaranteed to work or all your coin back, yes this is the real deal you need to try it for yourself to believe and you wont be sorry!.
http://gainhuge.com.cn/
—————————
If you read it carefully, it looks like it’s been roughly translated by an automate, from the mistakes and all…
I’ve crosssed the name steve in both friends’ lists, and neither the sender or the reipient have someone named steve in their friend list – so apparently the virus can’t access your facebook info… yet…
The virus seems to have spread to 11 of her friends, but from her notifications it doesn’t mention me, even though I got it, so lord knows how many people have really received it from her…
I have looked through the net (google, live search, ask, yahoo) for any threads concerning this new form of the virus, and haven’t found any, so I thought I’d comment about it here so that if anyone feels like looking it up theye might find it… And it keeps you up to date of course!
Ben.
Thankyou Ben, you’ve officially saved every man out there that might have been offended by this comment from one of his female friends. “Hey…uh…Chris…there’s something I’ve wanted to talk to you about…um…you know, you haven’t really been dating lately…There are these pills, and you know…it might help…”
Way to destroy a guy’s self esteem. God, you’re such a dick, Facebook Virus. See if I ever talk to you again.
There’s a Facebook virus that just hit… what, today? I have no idea, but it looks like most of the comments on this blog seem to be from today, so probably. Probably this last week?
The message basically reads something along the lines of:
“hi [your name], lol i cant believe is that you?
have a luk urself…
[Insert what appears to be a google link to a download; I'm leaving the link out because I didn't bother opening it and it would be retarded to leave it here for unsuspecting readers to open. Haha.]**
(click open or run when prompted)”
Aside from the really, really fucked up “Click open or run when prompted” (that sounds so…friendly! So intimate! Clearly, we’re quite close here), it’s ridiculous because that’s the only part of the message where everything seems to be spelled correctly. Ok. SURE. WILL DO. I’LL BE SURE TO RUN THIS SUSPICIOUS PROGRAM ON MY MACHINE.
Anyway, people are fucking retarded, and will more than likely download it, and we’ll all just keep infecting each other until we’ve managed to wipe ourselves off of the planet. So basically, we’re just going to turn the internet into America.
If I EVER left anyone a comment saying, “lol have a luk urself”, what I would really mean is “Please shoot me in the head for not being able to spell LOOK.”
I swear to fucking god, they HAVE to be getting poor migrant farmers from some tiny rural village in bumfuck China to write these things. Or teenagers. Whichever.
Either way, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
** This was to protect the innocence of my more retarded friends. The link is actually “http://www.google.com.id.ewv1g6d2.ij4s0h.2b99df1a.cn/gallery.php?id=dd83hikzt&auth=9490559&cyua=iy2qpfpelm”. If you see this link, DON’T FUCKING CLICK AND DOWNLOAD IT. If you do, you deserve whatever hell it gives you.
[edit] Sounds like there are a few different links. One of the comments below cited “http://www.google.com.id.ft8s7b8n.9qie28.2b99df1a.cn/gallery.php?id=fx83wox9d&auth=4544912&cyua=majf63uvx9″.
[edit2] LOL. The link right above this edit, the one that ends in majf63uvx9, will apparently infect you as soon as you click on it. Whoops for putting it up. (I’m leaving it there, just to see if anyone else clicks on it despite this very, very obvious statement saying not to.)
[edit2.5] AND another. “http://www.google.com.id.2kcj3t2m.1um8b9.56982a17.cn/gallery.php?id=l18u1dj62&auth=1836653&cyua=9g5qckjlyd”. Remember, DON’T CLICK ON IT =/ These are just for reference purposes only.
[edit3] Just a note: if you’ve accidentally clicked on one of the links and are worried your computer may be infected, SEE THE COMMENTS on this article for help.
When you’re a little kid, dinosaurs are the coolest thing ever. Don’t lie; you went through a dinosaur phase too, just like the rest of us. The second they released Jurassic Park our entire generation was done for. When I think back to that time in my life, I remember building blanket forts with my brother to defend against Raptor attack, reading book after book and being able to list ridiculous amounts of dino-facts, watching dinosaur docos with those crappy paper 3D glasses and thinking they were going to eat me (the dinosaurs, not the glasses), sitting through The Land Before Time several hundred times, and making Stegosaurus and Brontosaurus action figures do things God didn’t intend Stegosauruses and Brontosauruses to do together.
So you can imagine my delight, then, when the following headline came up in my work’s internal news bulletin:
“Dinosaur Footprints Seen in the Core Laboratory”
Yessss, I thought, I KNEW it! I’m working for a secret laboratory genetically engineering LIVE DINOSAURS in an underground facility funded by an eccentric old scientist with a cane, but sabotage has set one of the creatures loose and a technician has discovered the ominous muddy footprints of a Tyrannosaurus Rex which ESCAPED and will probably EAT EVERYONE I KNOW!
Unfortunately, upon further reading of the article I found out it wasn’t anything quite so exciting. But that’s most likely for the best. I guess.
The core lab downstairs is actually where my company tests drill core samples for oil or coal or gas or whatever to see if the field they grabbed it from is likely to have a sustainable amount of oil (in this case) there to set up mining operations. But check out what they found:
That right there is a dinosaur’s footprint. No, seriously. An actual one, right here in my office – they put it on display down in the lab so we could all go gawk at it.
The rocks are around 150 million years old; part of the Late Jurassic period, apparently. The sediments are lake deposits with sandy beaches and river channels. When the lake level dropped, red soil developed over the mud and sand. Some of the soil shows local pressure deformation – you can see in the photo – layers of mud up to three centimetres thick have been squeezed upwards and sand has later filled the depressions about seven centimetres apart on either side of the mud mounds.
So basically, given the age of the formation and shore setting of the rocks, what you’re looking at is the cross section (so looking at it from the side, not from above) of a dinosaur’s footprint. You know when you’re at the beach and the sand is wet and mud squeezes between your toes? It’s like that, only 150 million years later. Pretty cool, right? I mean, the scientist presenting it was no Sam Neil, but that’s not his fault.
So, caught up in these dinosaur-related reminiscences of old, I wondered – what the hell happened to my childhood? Because you know what? I don’t care what people say, Jurassic Park is the motherfucking dinosaur BIBLE, okay, but you only need to take a cursory look at current evolutionary theories to see that the entire scientific world has basically called bullshit to everything we were taught as kids.
When poor Pluto got de-listed from the Planet Club, everyone kicked up a fuss, but no one seemed to notice when our good buddies the Velociraptors went from this:
I WILL EAT YOUR FUCKING FACE
To this:
GOBBLEWARRK?
Seriously, what the fuck, that’s just not cool. There it is: my childhood. RUINED. They’re described as “feathered and turkey-sized”. That’s… I mean… it’s pathetic. Hahaha. And that’s just the beginning!
My theory is basically that when scientists were ensuring their discoveries were as hardcore awesome as possible and handing out planet badges willy-nilly, it was back in the early 1900s when everyone was on crack and theorising whatever they damn well pleased on the assumption it would make a totally sweet movie once they got around to inventing special effects and stuff.
Nowadays? Scientists just seem to be intent on being huge dicks and ruining all our fun by doing silly things like proving their theories and using rational thought and not doing hard drugs and stuff. They’re taking back their planets and their dinosaurs and god knows what else and slapping hands after they’ve already been dipped in the candy jar. It’s just bad parenting. ALL I AM SAYING IS JOHN HAMMOND DIDN’T PULL THIS KIND OF CRAP, OKAY.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a blanket fort to disassemble.
According to the Brits, the “world’s oldest joke” has been traced back to 1900 BC.
You can thank the 19th Century BC for bringing us other such whacky hilarity as the rise and fall of several unpronounceable Pharaohs (where by unpronounceable I mean they all had the same name and I can’t pronounce it); the birth of Abraham, founding father of the Israelites (and that really annoying song about his many sons we used to have to sing in choir as a warm-up); a war or two, and an invasion of Greece by some other Greeks, presumably because they were attention whores and wanted an awesome blockbuster action movie to be made about them 40-odd centuries later.
Thanks to the research of the esteemed University of Wolverhampton, we can now add the birth of toilet humour to that list.
I’m not even kidding, it was a smut joke. Check this out for cutting edge Sumerian wit: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”
Oho! Zing! Yeah, you uh… you tell ‘em. Did I mention the 19th Century BC also played host to the fall of the last Sumerian dynasty? Yeah. I think I can see where the downward spiral kicked in. It could possibly have had something to do with their civilisation being run by potty-training toddlers and giggling pre-teens.
But hey, who am I to judge? Us 21st Century-goers are the ones funding actual university programmes for intensive research into dirty jokes. Their final publication on the study was actually the “world’s oldest top 10 joke list”, which sounds like a Cracked article waiting to happen.
Landing a close second place a few centuries later was a gag about another unpronounceable pharaoh quoted as “How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.” Talk about eccentric. Apparently hiring a stripper was too easy for this guy.
Coming from the Brits in the 10th Century we have “What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before? A key!” Gosh! And here I was thinking it was going to be your penis! Oh those crazy Anglo-Saxons, they sure fooled me with their provocative irony and rebellion against taboo.
I guess what’s really more comical than the jokes themselves is that nothing has really changed in the last four millennia. But can we learn from our mistakes, people? You know as well as I do it was only a matter of time before the Ancient Egyptians started gluing captions to their cats, plus those Sumerians were probably right into the 2 Girls 1 Cup action, and look what happened to them.
A couple of days ago 20th Century Fox finally released the trailer for their up-and-coming Max Payne movie, based on the pulp noir game franchise of the same name responsible for some of the most awesome bullet-time gameplay I can remember (come on it was sepia, okay?), the most consistent use of groan-inducing “pain” puns to date, and the occasional nightmare about dead babies.
For those of you unfamiliar, it’s basically about a disgruntled New York cop who lives in a perpetual John Woo movie and goes around angrily killing mobsters and corporate jerks because of some silly technicality like they killed his family or something.
I kind of feel sorry for people seeing this who haven’t played the games, though – here’s the synopsis from the movie’s official site:
Based on the legendary, hard-hitting interactive video game, MAX PAYNE tells the story of a maverick cop determined to track down those responsible for the brutal murder of his family and partner. Hell-bent on revenge, his obsessive investigation takes him on a nightmare journey into a dark underworld. As the mystery deepens, Max (Mark Wahlberg) is forced to battle enemies beyond the natural world and face an unthinkable betrayal.
Face an unthinkable betrayal? Oh, great, way to ruin the fucking movie for us you cockbites.
Anyway, check out the trailer:
Max Payne is played by Marky Mark Wahlberg himself, who has shown his raw talent when mixing his career with video games in the past with such raging successes as… oh, wait, no I remember now, that was a complete and utter fucking failure. Oops! But I’m sure he’ll do better this time. The gal they’ve cast as his sexier-than-thou token love interest Mona Sax is That 70’s Show’s Mila Kunis, who played that one retarded chick Jackie. So that’s good, I’m sure she’ll fit right in.
This movie is going to be AWESOME.
But I digress; back to the trailer! I can’t lie – all my well-intentioned sarcasm aside, I almost orgasmed watching this. When I first heard they were making a Max Payne movie, I giggled like a schoolgirl at the thought of two hours of SHEER UNADULTERATED HARDCORE BULLET-TIME AWESOMENESS peppered with a few awkward scenes of people silently standing around dingy hospital waiting rooms watching ridiculous soap opera romances.
All I can say is they’d damn well better work their asses off to make this live up to my unreasonably high expectations, because if there was ever a game perfect for film adaptation, it’d be Max Payne. I’m really interested to see how much of the game’s original charm they can bring to the silver screen – the comic book elements, the dark noir atmosphere, the allusions to New York’s very own ragnarok, the creepy flamingoes, and goddamnit, the soap opera too!
Either way, the trailer looks pretty awesome and I’m excited. Not entirely sure what to make of the bird / angel / enemies beyond the natural world theme they seem to have going there (are these guys high on Valkyr or what?) but whether or not it stays true to the game, I’m anticipating a good dose of entertainment.
Unfortunately, this story doesn’t end in smiles and lollipops for everyone. And why is that, you ask?
It’s because 20th Century Fox are a bunch of jerks.
According to the word on the street, many die-hard Max Payne fans are actually planning on boycotting the movie when it comes out thanks to a little project called Payne & Redemption which Fox fucked up the ass and made its bitch.
Basically, after the release of the games, a guy named Fergle Gibson (HAHAHA “Fergle”) decided it’d be fun to make a short, independent amateur film based on the Max Payne games:
Set a few years after the events of Max Payne (and before Max Payne 2), Max Payne: Payne & Redemption surrounds the psychological trauma endured by the title’s main character after having to deal with the incidents from the story within the first game.
It started off as a little bit of fun for some fans of the games, but took on a life of its own after it generated interest from professional actors and industry crew who all volunteered their personal time to work on the film – these guys seriously deserve a proper shoutout for the work they put in to this thing. Even Sam Lake, the creator of Max Payne and writer of the videos (he was actually the face of the character in the first game, too) showed his full support in saying “Payne & Redemption seems very ambitious and impressive. Good luck with your project! Looking forward to seeing it.”
And what happened then? Fox bought out all rights to the franchise then cried like little girls and specifically banned the Payne & Redemption crew from producing anything to do with Max Payne ever, because apparently multi-million dollar corporations are easily upstaged by tiny independent film projects these days.
So, go see the Max Payne movie in cinemas October 16th, but spare a thought for the little guy! Check out the Payne & Redemption blog and forums and read up on the latest gossip – I hear they’re actually continuing on in their venture like the battlers they are and re-making their entire fucking film sans Max Payne references – plus they have some hilarious anti-Fox rants telling the whole story, so you know.
Really I’m just interested to see whether unlike previous wardrobe malfunctions from the games, Max’s coattails will actually deign to conform to the laws of gravity this time.
