Another Facebook Virus / Spam…

One of our astute readers left us this comment on the past article on this topic…

Hello again!

Just to let you know that the virus has either got a cousin, or has gained power to mutate, cos I got a new wall post from a friend which says something along the lines of (this is one “she” – or it – posted on someone else’s wall) :

—————————
Hello [recipent's name],
Steve told me something that blew me away, he has been taking growth pills from http://gainhuge.com.cn/ for the past eight months, and he is the talk of the dorm, never had girls now i cant count the chicks he’s with. The pills actually do work, they are guaranteed to work or all your coin back, yes this is the real deal you need to try it for yourself to believe and you wont be sorry!.

http://gainhuge.com.cn/
—————————

If you read it carefully, it looks like it’s been roughly translated by an automate, from the mistakes and all…
I’ve crosssed the name steve in both friends’ lists, and neither the sender or the reipient have someone named steve in their friend list – so apparently the virus can’t access your facebook info… yet…
The virus seems to have spread to 11 of her friends, but from her notifications it doesn’t mention me, even though I got it, so lord knows how many people have really received it from her…
I have looked through the net (google, live search, ask, yahoo) for any threads concerning this new form of the virus, and haven’t found any, so I thought I’d comment about it here so that if anyone feels like looking it up theye might find it… And it keeps you up to date of course!

Ben.

Thankyou Ben, you’ve officially saved every man out there that might have been offended by this comment from one of his female friends. “Hey…uh…Chris…there’s something I’ve wanted to talk to you about…um…you know, you haven’t really been dating lately…There are these pills, and you know…it might help…”

Way to destroy a guy’s self esteem. God, you’re such a dick, Facebook Virus. See if I ever talk to you again.

Hi, It’s Me, Your Facebook Girlfriend!

Hello there my little snookle-wookle, how are you going today? Just thought I’d leave a loving note on your Wall so everyone can see how close and in love we are! I know we just finished a 50-minute phone conversation and were together all day today, but I’m really insecure and need to validate our relationship infront of all of our friends to make myself feel wanted!

I’m also going to call you adorable pet names at every opportunity, because it’s so sickeningly cute when we do it, no one will doubt how totally in love we are! Right, snookums? Tee hee!

I should probably mention, it’s a requirement of our relationship that you also make up ridiculous pet names to call me on MY Wall, because if you don’t then I’ll cry over the phone to you for three hours about how you’re distancing yourself and don’t love me any more. Don’t you know? Facebook comments with lovey-dovey goop prove that our love is FOREVER!

Awww, I just changed my status to “is totally in love with her diddle-cakes” (that’s you!). Isn’t that sweet!? It’s the same as all of my previous status messages, only I changed the pet name so that it will pop up on everyone’s noticeboards again and remind them that we’re totally in love!

What’s that? Your comment stats show that all the rest of your friends combined have left you 27 comments, and I’ve left you a total of 73,689? Well, silly, that’s just because the higher the quantity of your page I fill with TOTALLY CUTE comments, the higher the quantity of OUR LOVE! And remember, you have to reply to every single one or I’ll probably think you’re seeing someone else! I’m your girlfriend, and monopolising your life makes me adorable!

Tee hee! I just found the gift application, which lets me send you meaningful presents in the form of a little pixellated jpeg image! I’m going to send you a RING gift, because it shows I’m totally serious about our romance and hints that I want you to give me a real one! You have to display it on your profile, so all our friends will you know want to marry me!!

By the way muffin-bunny, I just added some new photos! Wanna see!? They’re all of you and me, together! Making out! Please comment on every photo about how much you love me and how cute we look together, because I need you to grant me public attention in order to make me feel desirable. Also, you have to set one as your profile picture or I’ll assume it’s because you think I’m ugly and are embarrassed to show me to your friends, and I won’t let you hang out with any of them anymore! Tee hee!

Hey, who’s that who just posted on your Wall! Is that A GIRL? Who is she? Why don’t I know her? Are you guys sleeping together? Because if she comments again, I’m going to call your mother and tell her you’re emotionally abusing me! Wouldn’t that just be the cutest!? I’m going to add her as my FRIEND, so I can leave totally nice messages on her Wall when actually I’m going to use her details to stalk her and pry into every aspect of her personal life so I can make sure she’s not a threat to my claim on you! I’ll be sure to mention how in love we are every time I talk to her, just to be sure she knows you guys aren’t allowed to be friends, ever!

Well, I’d better go now, my little dookle-snuggle-wuggle machine… So I can call you and we can talk for another 73-minutes on the phone about how in love we are! I’ll be back online approximately 7.3 seconds after that to leave another comment though, probably about how we just talked on the phone so everyone knows I’m your girlfriend and we talk ALL THE TIME. So you’d better check your Facebook again soon! If you don’t, I’ll never have sex with you again!! Isn’t that adorable!?

Love,
Your Facebook Girlfriend

(Be warned: girlfriends are not the only scary thing you’ll find on Facebook. Check out our recent article on the Facebook virus which has been going around.)

Sup Kids? Luk Here! LOL! Facebook Virus Warning

There’s a Facebook virus that just hit… what, today? I have no idea, but it looks like most of the comments on this blog seem to be from today, so probably. Probably this last week?

The message basically reads something along the lines of:

“hi [your name], lol i cant believe is that you?

have a luk urself…
[Insert what appears to be a google link to a download; I'm leaving the link out because I didn't bother opening it and it would be retarded to leave it here for unsuspecting readers to open. Haha.]**
(click open or run when prompted)”

Aside from the really, really fucked up “Click open or run when prompted” (that sounds so…friendly! So intimate! Clearly, we’re quite close here), it’s ridiculous because that’s the only part of the message where everything seems to be spelled correctly. Ok. SURE. WILL DO. I’LL BE SURE TO RUN THIS SUSPICIOUS PROGRAM ON MY MACHINE.

Anyway, people are fucking retarded, and will more than likely download it, and we’ll all just keep infecting each other until we’ve managed to wipe ourselves off of the planet. So basically, we’re just going to turn the internet into America.

If I EVER left anyone a comment saying, “lol have a luk urself”, what I would really mean is “Please shoot me in the head for not being able to spell LOOK.”

I swear to fucking god, they HAVE to be getting poor migrant farmers from some tiny rural village in bumfuck China to write these things. Or teenagers. Whichever.

Either way, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

** This was to protect the innocence of my more retarded friends. The link is actually “http://www.google.com.id.ewv1g6d2.ij4s0h.2b99df1a.cn/gallery.php?id=dd83hikzt&auth=9490559&cyua=iy2qpfpelm”. If you see this link, DON’T FUCKING CLICK AND DOWNLOAD IT. If you do, you deserve whatever hell it gives you.

[edit] Sounds like there are a few different links. One of the comments below cited “http://www.google.com.id.ft8s7b8n.9qie28.2b99df1a.cn/gallery.php?id=fx83wox9d&auth=4544912&cyua=majf63uvx9″.

[edit2] LOL. The link right above this edit, the one that ends in majf63uvx9, will apparently infect you as soon as you click on it. Whoops for putting it up. (I’m leaving it there, just to see if anyone else clicks on it despite this very, very obvious statement saying not to.)

[edit2.5] AND another. “http://www.google.com.id.2kcj3t2m.1um8b9.56982a17.cn/gallery.php?id=l18u1dj62&auth=1836653&cyua=9g5qckjlyd”. Remember, DON’T CLICK ON IT =/ These are just for reference purposes only.

[edit3] Just a note: if you’ve accidentally clicked on one of the links and are worried your computer may be infected, SEE THE COMMENTS on this article for help.

Also, here’s another horrible plague on mankind to watch out for on Facebook =|

The Oregon Trail – Of Oxen and Eggs

Everything seems funnier when you’re young, and honestly, it’s even better if you don’t know what the fuck anyone is saying. You’re lead to a room for two hours everyday, separately from the class. At the time, you have no idea that you’re in ESL. And later on, when you get transferred to the gifted program, you never even notice the difference! After all, you just played with blocks in both of the classes anyway, right? Totally.

Disney movies become mysterious and intriguing (Why, is that a fish talking?), and everyone seems impossibly nice (“You’re retarded.” “O-I speak no English. You are very kind.” “…”). I thought All Dogs Go to Heaven was a horror film. It was awesome.

But nothing beats out the memories of those old computers, way back when. Sitting in front of your blocky IBM, printing out “reports” on those weird sheets of paper with tear away holes on both sides, spending the next half hour tearing away those holed sections on every. single. sheet. of paper in the room. And then there were the games. That one game with the airplane and the math problems, and needing to do the math quickly or else…or else, your plane would crash land in a fiery explosion of failure.

But really, we know what we were all waiting for. We were waiting for the teacher to say it was ok to play ONE game. THE one game, really. …Oregon Trail.

I swear to God, the only thing I remember from that game is dysentery and buffalo eggs. I could not understand why we kept talking about yolks in accordance with buffalo, and came to the 6 year old conclusion that they must lay eggs. And not just any eggs, but giant ones that TWO whole oxen can sit in.

A few days ago, I realized that I needed to find this game. This wasn’t unlike the time I desperately spent 2 hours searching google for the Nanosaur game from my 6th grader days. That game filled me to the very core with sheer terror, and I had no idea what the name was. If anyone looked in my google history, they would find everything from “Dinosaurs trex jetpack” to “jumping raptor oh FUCK DINOSAURS apple school games”. I needed to find it and I needed to play it, and by god, I found it and I did. And so I did for Oregon Trail as well. Luckily, it’s a little bit better known, and there was a nifty online version here, and I was able to relive my childhood.

I do not remember any of this shit in my childhood version of the game. Oregon Trail is a story of tragedy, shame, death, and flamboyant thieves. I never knew. I took some notes while playing the game, so I figured I would share them now.

Oh. The horror.

“We passed a grave today! I took a snapshot, because the message was a little strange, LOL. Sally and I had a great laugh about it. BTW, I’m a banker from Boston.”


“I should have known that that grave was bad news, but I realized too late. Sally’s broken her leg. Wait. Oh. Fuck. Wait, was…did I name my WIFE Sally? Or my daughter? Or …was it both? Was it actually my sister? Shit.”

“Still haven’t figured out who Sally is. I’ll try to find some way to ask her discreetly later on.”

Later that day:

Note: I was equally surprised and horrified by the suddenness of the information. There was no sadness or sympathy from that black screen. There was no funeral music. There wasn’t even another grave. Sally just died, and apparently we just threw her over on the side of the road and moved on, all with just one, single heartless tap of the space bar. Oh cruel fate, how could you take my dear wife/daughter from me like this?!

“Over the last few days, we’ve continued to find what the caption calls “Wild Fruit”.

It looked vaguely like pot, but who am I to say anything? As long as it takes the pain away.”

Things just kept getting worse too. Soon, Manny (my son/brother/nephew?) developed Typhoid. Naturally, my first reaction was to go hunting.

Disturbingly enough, apparently I am a penis shaped entity that shoots small pellets at things.

But I took down a fucking BEAR, so suck on that. (Figuratively speaking, but…well, he IS shaped like a …you know.)

“Timmy developed typhoid, probably because I let that stupid asshole Manny stay in the wagon, spreading his disease to everyone. God dammit. I hate my life.”

And to top it all off, fucking:

?!?!?!?!?)*#)$(@*)*&)@(*#@%#@

“Timmy died. I was notified in the same cold letters as before:

I’m pretty sure he was my son/brother.”

“I must have hooked up with an Asian sometime before I headed off on my adventure because I apparently had a child named Shoo, who suffered a snakebite in the middle of the trail. Life is hard.”

Finally, I can feel myself start to unravel at this taunting conversation:


“MY MISSUS/DAUGHTER IS DEAD, MOTHERFUCKER. SO IS TIMMY. AND NO ONE WANTS TO TRADE WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK. THIS IS SHIT, OK?! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!”

In this nearly deranged state, I wander around pathetically until I meet a possessed Indian, who wants to eat my soul:

“Oh fuck.”

…Who leads me across some deadly river with ease, in exchange for a change of smallpox infested clothing. Hmmmm.

“Shoo had the nerve to develop measles the DAY BEFORE WE FUCKING GET TO OREGON.

But all is well. We’re here! LOL! <3 Wish you were here with us. Love ???”

So, did any of this sound familiar to anyone? I don’t know if it’s just me, but I have zero recollection of any of this. And what the hell was up with the thief that just randomly showed up and stole like 200 pounds of food? Was he some sort of He-Man, able to lift twice his weight?

To end this, I feel that I should have learned my lesson after playing Nanosaur again. Some things are just best left in your childhood. Enjoy the memories, and sleep easy. There’s no need to ruin a good thing, which I’m sure we’ve all done many times.

So, I’ve decided to forget what I’ve experienced two nights ago. I’m going to pretend it never happened, because nothing can taint the strange satisfaction I used to receive when I mindlessly pressed 1 at all times, because I couldn’t read anything on the screen. Nothing can ruin that, ok? Nothing.

….

Ugh.

Fucking Cheasy Peperony.

The Teapot Army’s 3 Step Guide to Instant Gratification

Hey, readers, want to be famous? Want to MAKE IT BIG but don’t have the motivation to get off your fat, wimpy ass and work for it? Do I have the product for YOU!

That’s right, for a limited time only, the Teapot Army is selling you INTERNET™ for just three easy payments of $99.95 plus postage and handling! With INTERNET™, you’ll be on your way to fame in no time with these simple, easy-to-follow steps:

1. Start a wordpr- er, blog of some form / deviantART account / fictionpress / etc.
2. Receive dozens of encouraging comments from kindred spirits who truly understand your deep-seated passion for [insert terrible artistic vision or ridiculous sub-culture here]
3. ???
4. Profit!

[Note: we do not actually sell Internet. And you're a moron.]

READERS BEWARE THE INTERNET, for it is a crafty, tricksy thing. It serves as a gathering point for the talentless hacks of the world, taking the most insipid, deluded, self-important young writers, artists and debaters around and deceiving them into thinking they have some semblance of a skillset and could actually make something of themselves in the real world.

The problem with the internet, my friends, is that it enables. Let me explain:

An exponential number of teenagers and even twenty-somethings have their heads FILLED with ideas of romance, passion and “making it big” as an actor, a singer, a writer, a painter, an anime artist, a level 13 necromancer – you know, the usual. And there’s nothing wrong with that! Honestly, I encourage it. GO FOR YOUR DREAMS, KIDS. The problem lies in the fact that every three-legged brat and his pet monkey seem to think they’re god’s gift to earth and have more talent than any other man of woman born. And the INTERNET lets them get away with it.

There are other influences, of course. We are faced with an entire generation who have been told by their stoner, hippy, post-war, children-of-the-revolution parents since birth that they can do anything they set their minds on and DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE. That miracles happen and stardom is only a wish away. That Prince Charming really will come and carry you off into the sunset on his white bloody pony. We grew up watching Paul Mercurio find his steps in Strictly Ballroom and Evita dancing through the streets singing “Stand back Buenos Aires!” – but parents and Hollywood and the media can’t be our scapegoat for everything. Even if they DID create American Idol.

No, I blame the internet. Because it doesn’t just allow kids to think they have talent, it actually provides the mechanism for expressing it. It enables all these morons by giving them free reign to prance about on stage with their bullshit hats on, giving their two cents to the world – and then goes a step further by surrounding them with other morons who play to their superiority complexes and tell them they really ARE the best thing since sliced bread! It’s pure, unadulterated instant gratification. The cheap route to fame without ever having to face the real critics or even leaving the comfort of your own home.

Is this a BAD thing? Does the opportunity of expression these sites provide nurture creativity, or stifle it? Is it lowering the standards on what’s considered to be creative genius these days? There’s real talent out there, it can’t be denied, and the internet is a monumentally excellent tool for getting word on the street; but what allows for one extreme must also allow for the other. And I want you to click that link, read it, and have a good long think about the state of the world.

I, for one, won’t stand for this balderdash. I am going to TAKE ACTION. I will put a STOP to this RIGHT NOW… by writing about it in my blog, baby. Aww yeaaah.