Giant Fucking Spiders are NOT TO BE FEARED. Totally.

So one of my good friends recently moved to a new apartment, and we had a little housewarming party.

I, being considerate and kind, offered to make dinner. This meant that I made everyone hotdogs, because that’s the only food I can really make consistently. I mean, I’ve tried pasta before, but fucking Christ, that whole boiling the pasta till it’s “al dente”? The first time I tried, the meal was delicious, but the second time, it was sort of like eating cut up bits of hollowed sticks. But I make some killer hotdogs.

Well, anyway. We got around to talking about how due to her living on the ground floor, and not having a bed yet, she’d probably get some spiders. You know, no big deal. Just huge, gigantic spiders that would eat her face as she slept. Or something.

Needless to say, she was freaked out and yelled at us to shut up about the god damn spiders. So we stopped talking about the spiders eating her face, and talked about how rational it was to have a fear of spiders. I mean, most of them are small, harmless, and are generally afraid of you. (Or…so they say). They eat the other bugs in your house, and are basically doing you a sort of favor. So, how reasonable is it to be terrified by such kind and gentle creatures? So what if they can cause necrotic arachnidism?

There’s a pretty funny story that I’ve heard about a woman capturing a black widow, and being too afraid to kill it, she kept it in a jar in the kitchen, and waited for it to suffocate. Somehow, weeks went by and the thing was thriving and well, even with no air and no food. She was horrified and decided that clearly this some sort of devil spawn. But a few days later, she came into the kitchen at an earlier than usual time before work…only to find her husband cackling to himself as he unscrewed the top of the jar just a tiny bit to let in air. Her husband had been keeping the thing alive to freak her the fuck out for shits and giggles.

I don’t know the ending to that story (the husband is probably dead right now), but basically spiders aren’t immortal. They can and will die if you suffocate them, light them on fire, or squish them. So there’s no need to be scared at all. (Unless, like me, you saw Arachnophobia when you were a little kid, and keep expecting one to jump on you in the shower). We talked this all through, and we were pleased with how brave and mature we were being. We were finally growing up. Psh. Spiders. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

Two days later, my friend found a giant wolf spider just kicking it in her bathtub, and called me to tell me that she was still afraid of spiders. I laughed at her, and told her to grow up.

The next day, I found one in my shower, and I screamed like a little girl.

Motherfucking Karma’s a bitch.

PS Remember that “Bought a DOG” meme after the internet showed up as a special guest on Fox news, blowing up vans and shit? Apparently, spiders are so fucking badass, they’ll kick the dog’s ass.

Never mind that the dog probably died from something else, I’m telling you. They’re fucking out there. Waiting for you. Waiting in your toilet bowl, ready to attack.

But there’s nothing to be afraid of. Yeah.

More Superstitions – Asian General (Part 1)

So the last superstition article seemed like a relative success, so I figured I’d do a follow up. I polled all of the Asians that work with me, and gathered some more tidbits of information. So here they are.

1. (Malaysian) Don’t Talk Badly About People On Friday Morning/Thursday Night.

Apparently, talking trash about people at this particular time is like inviting a “visitor” to you. While I wasn’t told what exactly they DO to you, it doesn’t sound very fun. The story related to me was of when my coworker broke this golden rule, and was talking shit to a bunk mate of hers, who later woke up in the middle of the night to find a girl in a long white nightgown and loose black hair covering her face standing over the foot of my coworker’s bed. That’s fucked up.

2. (Indonesian/Singapore/…Malaysia?) Pontianaks are fucking BAD NEWS

There are several legends concerning this creature, who is described as anything from a stillborn child to a woman dying in child birth. Saying the name allowed is said to bring the ghost to you, and it’s said that the smell of a certain flower will mark it’s arrival. This is one ghost you DO NOT WANT to fuck around with. It’s way more violent than Korean ghosts, in that the stories I’ve heard involving it, it tends to rip people’s heads off, and drink their blood, etc. It’s extremely violent, and is something like a female vampire. The way to scare it away is apparently to expose your breasts to it if you’re a woman, as their breasts are on …their backs. If you’re a guy, you’re fucked. Sorry.

I’ve heard conflicting reports, but I believe it’s said to live in trees.

3. (Malaysia) Respect the Jungle/Forest/Woods or they will fuck you up

The woods are filled with spirits in Malaysia, and there are several rules you need to follow. If you need to pee in the woods, you need to ask permission first. If you’re on your period, you need to dispose of the blood properly, or else be haunted. Please and thank you seems to be the general rule.

4. (Japan) Various Ghosts

Kuchisake Onna
Said to be a beautiful woman who approaches you and asks if you think she is beautiful. She is wearing a face mask. You answer yes, and she takes off the mask. …Her face is split from ear to ear, and she asks you once more, “Am I beautiful?” Whether you answer yes or no, she will kill you. So what can you do to survive? Your answer: “So-so.” Or “You’re average.” She’s known to target young men and elementary school students. Watch out.
Hanako-San
A ghost girl that haunts the third stall of the girls’ bathroom in school. Terrible things will happen if she appears.

(There will be a post with more details on all of these ghost stories, so be sure to check back…)

5. (Japan) Don’t Close Your Eyes For Too Long In The Shower

It’s said that if you close your eyes for more than 12 seconds when washing your hair in the shower in Japan, when you do open your eyes and look in the mirror, a ghost will be behind you.

….And, to be continued on a post sometime in the future. There are a few more promised to me at a later date, as well some European superstitions I want to share. Hope you enjoyed this week’s installment, and see you next week.

The original post can be found HERE, Korean Superstitions – AND YOU WILL DIE.

The Strangers

Horror Movie Humor Episode 2
Shitting Ourselves So You Don’t Have To

So this week we have a relatively recent movie. Honestly, I was going to save the episode 2 of this until a few weeks down the road, but since this is THE NOW, THE HAPPENIN’, THE …whatever, I figured we’d better do this.

So without anymore bullshit to fill up the intro:

The Strangers

The movie starts out with an ominous disclaimer that the following is based on a true story. True as in “not really”, but still, there are 1.4 million violent crimes each year! What they fail to tell you is this: violent crime includes more than just murder. There are four parts, actually: murder and non negligent manslaughter, forcible rape, robbery, and aggravated assault. According to the FBI, only 1.2 percent of that is murder. And the rate per 100,000 inhabitants is roughly 475, just a rough .4%. And furthermore, you are more likely to be killed by your mom for taking a bath at 3am than by Charles Manson. Who, by the way, seems to be the partial inspiration for the story. The Manson murders, the mysterious Keddie murders, and the director’s own brief contact with a would-be robber. These are actually pretty fascinating cases, and you should go read about them. But yeah, that’s …it. That’s the “truth” behind the stories.

So basically, that first statement is full of shit. Yeah.

There’s the usual hysterical 911 phone call, and then a shot of…a house. A street. A neighborhood. More houses. A house. A house. A house. It keeps doing that artsy “flash on and off”, as though you’re passing several houses from inside of a car. You know, if you were sort of retarded and hadn’t quite figured out the correct way to blink yet.

We meet our two unfortunate victims, James and Kristen. They had some sort of fight, and they are thoroughly upset. Blah blah boring fucking back story that won’t matter when they’re getting axed, etc. James proposed, Kristen was like “Aw heeell naw, I’m too hot to get married already =/” and now they are upset. Boohoo. The friend I was watching this with probably said it best.

“Shut the fuck up and start getting killed already, jesus.”

They seriously keep this going for like the first 20 minutes. BORING.

Then the killers start showing up, and you find yourself almost wishing they’d go back to talking about their feelings. Nothing makes sense. A mysterious girl on their doorstep (who happens to be a model irl), Kristen needs cigarettes so James goes to get her some, and all fucking hell breaks lose. One of the killers manages to get in somehow, silently, undetected (she left the front door unlocked because she’s an idiot), and just…watches her. And she never notices THE BURNING GAZE, and he just sort of disappears. Where he goes? I have no idea.

The thing is, this particular killer seriously wheezes like Darth Vader, so I have no idea how he can be stealthy one moment, and then loud as hell the next. Is he hiding in the house? No? He leaves? Well, she definitely locks the door, so how the fuck do the people just keep drifting in and out? Are they ghosts?Wait, but then they start breaking the door down? With an AXE? Are we going to see Leatherface at some point?

The entire movie is just one really long KNOCK, it seems. There is constant knocking/banging on the door, and then when they get in the house, THERE’S STILL MORE FUCKING KNOCKING FROM SOMEWHERE. From the windows, from the doors…seriously, cut it out. If you’re going to kill someone, at least be less obnoxious about it.

And then there’s the typical horror movie problems that aren’t confined to just this movie. There’s a part where THE PHONE CUTS OUT, HOLY SHIT, but Kristen has a cell phone. But wait, it’s dead. Oh, she’s got a charger. …And she plugs it in to charge, the end. The movie is supposed to take place in 2005; you know, you CAN talk on a charging cell phone. …Well, whatever. Then there’s the whole “pick the WORST fucking weapon in the house” deal. There’s a fireplace, grab a fucking poker. Heat up the end. Stick ‘em. Don’t go down without a fight at least. They even have a GUN for a part of the movie. You know what you do? Grab the gun, grab the firepoker/knife/whatever else, and BARRICADE YOURSELF IN THE BATHROOM. No windows, only one way to get in or out. You just have to keep reloading and shoot. While reloading, stab them with the poker, or the knife. There are 2 of you against 3 of them. You SHOULD be able to take them. (And besides, the one guy is wheezing and out of shape, and the other two are girls. One of the girls is a model. Throw some food at her or something, scare her off!)

But of course, they fail. Their friend comes to save them, and they end up shooting him in the face. And after doing that, they leave their cozy hiding place out of despair. In short, the two main characters are fucking retarded.

Note that no one actually DIES until about the last 30 minutes of the movie.

The end is amazingly anticlimactic as well. There’s a whole lotta screaming and running, and finally, they get tied up and stabbed to death. When Kristen tearfully asks “Why are you doing this to us?”, the answer we get is hardly satisfactory.

“Because you were home.”

Chilling, to a certain degree, yes. Until you remember that here in the REAL world, people with silly, half-ass motives like that end up shooting accomplices by accident.

At the VERY end, there’s a cheap shock where Liv Tyler suddenly jumps at the little boy who just wanted to check her pulse, screaming her head off. What. The. Fuck.

I have no idea what that ending was supposed to make you feel like, but…any horror movie buff will have expected some jump at the end. So it not only failed to shock, it (probably) didn’t even measure up to what we were all expecting.

Oh well.

The movie gets 5/10 for being decently jumpy in the middle, but not having much else going for it. It’s not really that enjoyable either, so I dunno. I…can’t really say I recommend it.

Unless, you know, you have a thing for killer models.

In case you missed Episode 1, you can read it here.

The House on Sorority Row

Horror Movie Humor Episode 1
Shitting Ourselves So You Don’t Have To

Ahh, horror movies. I have a love/hate relationship with them. I’m afraid of everything that moves, but I…kind of like it. Except for when I’m trying to sleep, but you know. It’s good, wholesome fun, shatting your pants every time you see a shadow. I have a lot of good memories of stalking down the hallway at 2 in the morning, music stand in hand, my friend poised behind me with a chair too big for her to carry, and an ominous knock…knock…knock coming from our front door, as good ol’ Freddy cackled away on our tv set.

…Ok, so really only one memory of that particular experience, but you get the picture. Horror movies are great in that they provide you with that adrenaline rush associated with intense fear (the children’s version of drugs). But there’s another reason that they’re great – no matter how scary they are, you can bet that somewhere in the movie, there’s something funny. Not intentionally funny mind you, but if you look hard enough, the humor is definitely there. Hopefully this will help take some of the sting out of those DEAD EYES staring back at you from your television screen. Learn to love it, even.

And personally, I think that you really, truly need to love something before you can properly make fun of it. **

The House On Sorority Row

The beginning of this movie is really what shines. Everything after the first half hour or so can be easily summed up in a few paragraphs, but the beginning…well. Here we go.

The movie starts off in a random house, on a dark and stormy June evening. The first scene seems hilariously inappropriate at first, with what seems to be a…moaning woman under the covers. Oh my. Scandal.

Turns out she’s like 50 years old, and giving birth, but that’s just as sexy, right? A mysterious doctor comes tramping up the stairs, and after a bit of dramatic dialogue, performs a C-section on the woman. We don’t see the surgery, and are spared the imagery of a baby being yanked out of some lady’s womb. I know some of you guys are into that, but…

The woman wakes up, apparently not in any sort of pain or discomfort, despite the fact that the doctor just cut her open, in a dimly lit room, with a dirty scalpel. Wait, excuse me, he ran the scalpel through a candle flame first, so it’s ok. She asks how her baby is doing, and the doctor gives an ambiguous response of “…I’m sorry.” Those of you who watch a lot of horror movies are already starting to see the foreshadowing by now, what, 5 minutes in? The camera rapidly cuts away and out of the house as we hear an echoing “Nooooooo….! (noooooo!…noooooooo!).” Insert a “Do Not Want “ joke here. Luckily, I was watching the movie with people who are NOT FROM THE INTERNET, and so there was none of that kind of sass during the movie.

Fast forward to some 20+ years later, and we suddenly see a bunch of sorority girls taking graduation pictures. And…wow. This is going to be horrifying shallow, but Jesus, they seriously must have put out an ad for the least attractive girls they could find for this (aside from the one girl who looks EXACTLY like Mischa Barton). Yes, yes, it’s 80’s makeup and hair, but good god. And one of the girls (the redhead) seems really…creepy. Actually, I think what I mean is that she looks overly eager in every scene. You might be able to get away with overacting in other situations, but she just comes off as totally in love with the First Class Bitch of the movie, and in some scenes, it seems like she’s giving her these “I’m undressing you with my eyes” looks. It was a little awkward.

Long story made short, the woman who we saw giving birth at the beginning of the movie turns out to be Mrs. Slater, the House Mother for the sorority. She’s uptight and strict, and it’s pretty obvious she’s probably batshit insane. There’s a doctor who warns her about an x-ray that depicts a head with what appears to be a lot of curly shit in the brain. We’re lead to believe it’s an x-ray of Mrs. Slater, but horror movie veterans will know better.

In any case, she manages to get on Vicki’s (AKA First Class Bitch) bad side when she interrupts her having rowdy sex on a waterbed. She slashes open the bed and soaks both FCB and her boyfriend with her STABBIN’ CANE. It’s great. FCB decides to prank Mrs. Slater, in which our main character, Katy, shows exactly what a goody-two-shoes she is by heatedly disagreeing with the plan. A window in the attic mysteriously slides shut, as though someone’s been WATCHING THEM. My spidey sense is a-tingling right about now.

The plan is a secret from us, the audience, until Mrs. Slater wakes up to find her cane gone. Yes, that’s right. The girls stole her cane. …In case you missed that, they stole an old lady’s cane. They proceed to put it in the middle of the dirty, dirty pool outside, at which point FCB makes the old lady get in the pool at gunpoint. I can already see what a fantastic idea that is.

Needless details aside, they basically end up shooting her, and decide to shove her in the pool to hide the body. This is the best part of the movie, fyi. As they’re trying to shove her in the pool, realizing that her body will float, FCB tells another girl to “Go get some towels!” I thought I must have heard wrong, because surely, they don’t think that a few towels will weigh down a dead body, do they?

Nah, they meant towels. And to make things even worse, morbidly cheerful and pink towels. And after wrapping her in a sheet, they put a maximum of one towel on her dead body, before rolling her into the water. Lo and behold. The body stays down. Clearly these girls are using fucking lead towels.

I don’t think I even need to say this, but our protagonist is indeed very unhappy with this turn of events. SHE never wanted to play the prank in the first place, dammit. She just wanted to figure out what she was going to do with the rest of her life. And now she has to deal with a dead body, what a drag. =/

The heartless little whores have the giant graduation party at their place anyway, despite the fact that they just killed a woman and dumped her body in the pool just outside. They have the nerve to look mildly stricken, but nonetheless, not TOO bothered. As the party rages on, you see SOMEONE come out of the pool, ring out clothes, and pick up the cane.

YEAAAAH. Showtime.

At this point, we can basically fast forward through the rest of the movie. Usual party stuff happens, yadda yadda, some random drunk guy gets impaled out in the woods, people want to throw other people in the pool, oh god, the pool lights, we have to disconnect the power before anyone tries to turn them on so we’ll send ONE girl on her own down to the boiler room to do so. Into the dark, creepy boiler room/basement thing with only a bare bulb over by the entrance. Nice.

I bet you already know what happens next. The girls start to get killed, one by one. And honestly, most of these scenes are hilarious. For one thing, the cane that they all get killed with has two ends. One is the blunt end that you put on the ground. The other is a sharp handle that looks like it could scalp someone. Guess how everyone dies?

They all get stabbed with the blunt end, lmfao.

If I ever tried to stab anyone with that thing, I’d be lucky to give them a bruise. Maybe a broken rib if I took a running start. How the killer manages to impale people with just the thrust of an arm, I have no idea. It’s amazing.

There is only really ONE scene here that freaked everyone out, which involves a decapitated head in a toilet. It’s so out of nowhere and graphic compared to the rest of the movie, I have to admit we all jumped a little.

In the end, it turns out it was THE SON THE WHOLE TIME. HOLY SHIT, WHAT A CURVEBALL. He lives in the attic and has a really weird clown fetish. Everyone dies (Mrs. Slater is still dead, all the sorority girls minus one, and the doctor), and the movie ends on a note that leads you to suspect that the main girl is pretty much going to die as well. The only notable bit about the end of the movie is that at one point, you see WHY the son was kept in the attic. He has “certain deformities”. And those certain deformities translate to meaning, “He has a really gimpy face. Wow. A super gimpy face, even.” We get barely a glimpse, but it’s enough to keep you laughing for like 5 straight minutes.

So, to finish this off: If you like cheesy horror movies filled with girls too poor to invest in a good bra (or really, any bra at all), and gimpy faced killers who have curly shit growing in their brain (which causes a “propensity for VIOLENCE”), this is the movie for you. If you’re not really into that stuff, rent it anyway just for the one line in the middle of the movie where one of the girls says “What do we do?” as they all sit contemplating their eternal damnation in the kitchen. She sounds like a man, and a drugged up one at that. It’s perfect.

But I’m giving you a warning now: that head in the toilet scene is unexpected. Be prepared.

I say this was probably a 3.5 on the on the scary scale of 1-10, and maybe a fun rating of 13 if watched with a group of people.

Have a happy Friday the 13th tomorrow, and see you NEXT WEEK.

PEACE OUT HOMIE G SLICES OF TOAST etcetc.

**God, that article is hilarious. Um, oh, we’re in no way affiliated with cracked.com, etc etc. I just…really like it.