The Nintento Wii: Just Because Something Has Potential Doesn’t Mean it Won’t Suck

My apologies for the short hiatus, folks; things have been busy in our mountaintop lair of late. Utensil uprisings to plan, and all that.

Now, far be it from me, a lowly blogger, to lay the proverbial smack down on a poor unsuspecting gaming console – and one I don’t even own, to boot. But really, what am I going to do, hurt its feelings? I HOPE I make it cry, because quite frankly – and I’m just going to put this out there right now – I think the Nintendo Wii should be ashamed of itself. Sent to bed without dessert, if you will. (Though there’s many a fanboy ready and willing to stroke it to sleep at night, so I don’t feel I’m being too harsh.)

So as not to kick a dead horse too much, I’m going to try to refrain from making wee jokes in this article. It’ll be difficult for me, but if you use your imagination half as much as I do I’m sure you’ll catch them anyway.

I remember the leadup to the Wii’s release. So to speak. (That didn’t count, okay.) All I knew of this mystical new console was that it was white and shiny and, according to their media campaign, would change the face of the gaming industry forever.

I remember going to a friend’s house just after its launch and getting my hands on one of those sleek remotes for the first time. My friend told wide-eyed stories of a gaming revolution to his dubious technologically-challenged father, about how the Wii was going to change the way gaming is perceived; about a transition from the archetype of dungeon-dwelling geeks with no social skills holding basement weddings to cardboard cutouts of Lara Croft, to the heroic, outgoing gamers of the future! Gamers who would get their exercise for the day in a game of Super Mario Galaxy and marry sexy athletic girls in tiny shorts playing Wii Tennis! Yes, my friends, the Wii would change our world – no longer would gamers have to conceal their nerdiness; no longer would they be ashamed to admit who they really are. This was the time for us gamers to merge into mainstream society – a time when we would be accepted among our peers as equals, nay, the cool, trendy technological elite!

Or something like that.

But hey, even if you didn’t buy into the hype surrounding the product, the point is that when the Wii came out it had POTENTIAL. People expected great things, radical things, something which would, if not change the world, at least change the way we enjoyed our gaming experience. It was wielding a real “sword” instead of pressing X a bunch of times. It was using real aim instead of nudging a little joystick to swivel the camera on-screen. Like I said, it was Potential, with a capital P.

I mean, check this guy out:

Ignore his deadpan geekiness for a moment and admit it – that is fucking cool.

Unfortunately, as with every awesome thing ever, it backfired. Our dreams of playing Goldeneye in 3D (aww yeaah) have been crushed. Instead of giving birth to a new, hardcore awesome generation of technologically advanced games and mainstream gamers, the Wii gave birth to a monster. It gave birth to… the Wii-tard.

The future of gaming.

But see, it’s not really the fault of the system itself. The Wii still retains every ounce of Potential that it once did. The fault, I believe, lies with the game developers themselves.

The games. Are TERRIBLE.

The Wii. Makes people fucking retarded.

Instead of appealing to, you know, gamers, the game developers for the Wii inexplicably decided to design games for insipid rave-going tossers who get so fucking stoned in a pathetic effort to look cool they don’t even notice how much the games suck. In an effort to make gaming a social activity and cater to a younger, more retarded age group, they’ve dumbed it down to the point of sheer unadulterated stupidity. It’s the culture jump from the original Star Wars trilogy to Episode I all over again. For the love of god, when will it stop?

I started writing this article after going to a party where everyone got completely wasted and played a game which was basically about manic bunnies and their craaazy antics. There is nothing in the English language which can possibly convey to you how much I despise the idea of a world in which waving your hand around in the air to get a costumed rabbit with ADD to talk as much as possible on a cellphone in a cinema before the usher comes in to bust you is considered entertainment.

Failing that, there are plenty of other wacky adventures the Wii can set you upon! You can even build a city out of cake! They must be compensating for that getting-no-dessert thing.

For Christ’s sake.

The Oregon Trail – Of Oxen and Eggs

Everything seems funnier when you’re young, and honestly, it’s even better if you don’t know what the fuck anyone is saying. You’re lead to a room for two hours everyday, separately from the class. At the time, you have no idea that you’re in ESL. And later on, when you get transferred to the gifted program, you never even notice the difference! After all, you just played with blocks in both of the classes anyway, right? Totally.

Disney movies become mysterious and intriguing (Why, is that a fish talking?), and everyone seems impossibly nice (“You’re retarded.” “O-I speak no English. You are very kind.” “…”). I thought All Dogs Go to Heaven was a horror film. It was awesome.

But nothing beats out the memories of those old computers, way back when. Sitting in front of your blocky IBM, printing out “reports” on those weird sheets of paper with tear away holes on both sides, spending the next half hour tearing away those holed sections on every. single. sheet. of paper in the room. And then there were the games. That one game with the airplane and the math problems, and needing to do the math quickly or else…or else, your plane would crash land in a fiery explosion of failure.

But really, we know what we were all waiting for. We were waiting for the teacher to say it was ok to play ONE game. THE one game, really. …Oregon Trail.

I swear to God, the only thing I remember from that game is dysentery and buffalo eggs. I could not understand why we kept talking about yolks in accordance with buffalo, and came to the 6 year old conclusion that they must lay eggs. And not just any eggs, but giant ones that TWO whole oxen can sit in.

A few days ago, I realized that I needed to find this game. This wasn’t unlike the time I desperately spent 2 hours searching google for the Nanosaur game from my 6th grader days. That game filled me to the very core with sheer terror, and I had no idea what the name was. If anyone looked in my google history, they would find everything from “Dinosaurs trex jetpack” to “jumping raptor oh FUCK DINOSAURS apple school games”. I needed to find it and I needed to play it, and by god, I found it and I did. And so I did for Oregon Trail as well. Luckily, it’s a little bit better known, and there was a nifty online version here, and I was able to relive my childhood.

I do not remember any of this shit in my childhood version of the game. Oregon Trail is a story of tragedy, shame, death, and flamboyant thieves. I never knew. I took some notes while playing the game, so I figured I would share them now.

Oh. The horror.

“We passed a grave today! I took a snapshot, because the message was a little strange, LOL. Sally and I had a great laugh about it. BTW, I’m a banker from Boston.”


“I should have known that that grave was bad news, but I realized too late. Sally’s broken her leg. Wait. Oh. Fuck. Wait, was…did I name my WIFE Sally? Or my daughter? Or …was it both? Was it actually my sister? Shit.”

“Still haven’t figured out who Sally is. I’ll try to find some way to ask her discreetly later on.”

Later that day:

Note: I was equally surprised and horrified by the suddenness of the information. There was no sadness or sympathy from that black screen. There was no funeral music. There wasn’t even another grave. Sally just died, and apparently we just threw her over on the side of the road and moved on, all with just one, single heartless tap of the space bar. Oh cruel fate, how could you take my dear wife/daughter from me like this?!

“Over the last few days, we’ve continued to find what the caption calls “Wild Fruit”.

It looked vaguely like pot, but who am I to say anything? As long as it takes the pain away.”

Things just kept getting worse too. Soon, Manny (my son/brother/nephew?) developed Typhoid. Naturally, my first reaction was to go hunting.

Disturbingly enough, apparently I am a penis shaped entity that shoots small pellets at things.

But I took down a fucking BEAR, so suck on that. (Figuratively speaking, but…well, he IS shaped like a …you know.)

“Timmy developed typhoid, probably because I let that stupid asshole Manny stay in the wagon, spreading his disease to everyone. God dammit. I hate my life.”

And to top it all off, fucking:

?!?!?!?!?)*#)$(@*)*&)@(*#@%#@

“Timmy died. I was notified in the same cold letters as before:

I’m pretty sure he was my son/brother.”

“I must have hooked up with an Asian sometime before I headed off on my adventure because I apparently had a child named Shoo, who suffered a snakebite in the middle of the trail. Life is hard.”

Finally, I can feel myself start to unravel at this taunting conversation:


“MY MISSUS/DAUGHTER IS DEAD, MOTHERFUCKER. SO IS TIMMY. AND NO ONE WANTS TO TRADE WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK. THIS IS SHIT, OK?! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!”

In this nearly deranged state, I wander around pathetically until I meet a possessed Indian, who wants to eat my soul:

“Oh fuck.”

…Who leads me across some deadly river with ease, in exchange for a change of smallpox infested clothing. Hmmmm.

“Shoo had the nerve to develop measles the DAY BEFORE WE FUCKING GET TO OREGON.

But all is well. We’re here! LOL! <3 Wish you were here with us. Love ???”

So, did any of this sound familiar to anyone? I don’t know if it’s just me, but I have zero recollection of any of this. And what the hell was up with the thief that just randomly showed up and stole like 200 pounds of food? Was he some sort of He-Man, able to lift twice his weight?

To end this, I feel that I should have learned my lesson after playing Nanosaur again. Some things are just best left in your childhood. Enjoy the memories, and sleep easy. There’s no need to ruin a good thing, which I’m sure we’ve all done many times.

So, I’ve decided to forget what I’ve experienced two nights ago. I’m going to pretend it never happened, because nothing can taint the strange satisfaction I used to receive when I mindlessly pressed 1 at all times, because I couldn’t read anything on the screen. Nothing can ruin that, ok? Nothing.

….

Ugh.

Fucking Cheasy Peperony.

Mirrors Are More Fun Than Television

A couple of days ago 20th Century Fox finally released the trailer for their up-and-coming Max Payne movie, based on the pulp noir game franchise of the same name responsible for some of the most awesome bullet-time gameplay I can remember (come on it was sepia, okay?), the most consistent use of groan-inducing “pain” puns to date, and the occasional nightmare about dead babies.

For those of you unfamiliar, it’s basically about a disgruntled New York cop who lives in a perpetual John Woo movie and goes around angrily killing mobsters and corporate jerks because of some silly technicality like they killed his family or something.

I kind of feel sorry for people seeing this who haven’t played the games, though – here’s the synopsis from the movie’s official site:

Based on the legendary, hard-hitting interactive video game, MAX PAYNE tells the story of a maverick cop determined to track down those responsible for the brutal murder of his family and partner. Hell-bent on revenge, his obsessive investigation takes him on a nightmare journey into a dark underworld. As the mystery deepens, Max (Mark Wahlberg) is forced to battle enemies beyond the natural world and face an unthinkable betrayal.

Face an unthinkable betrayal? Oh, great, way to ruin the fucking movie for us you cockbites.

Anyway, check out the trailer:

Max Payne is played by Marky Mark Wahlberg himself, who has shown his raw talent when mixing his career with video games in the past with such raging successes as… oh, wait, no I remember now, that was a complete and utter fucking failure. Oops! But I’m sure he’ll do better this time. The gal they’ve cast as his sexier-than-thou token love interest Mona Sax is That 70’s Show’s Mila Kunis, who played that one retarded chick Jackie. So that’s good, I’m sure she’ll fit right in.

This movie is going to be AWESOME.

But I digress; back to the trailer! I can’t lie – all my well-intentioned sarcasm aside, I almost orgasmed watching this. When I first heard they were making a Max Payne movie, I giggled like a schoolgirl at the thought of two hours of SHEER UNADULTERATED HARDCORE BULLET-TIME AWESOMENESS peppered with a few awkward scenes of people silently standing around dingy hospital waiting rooms watching ridiculous soap opera romances.

All I can say is they’d damn well better work their asses off to make this live up to my unreasonably high expectations, because if there was ever a game perfect for film adaptation, it’d be Max Payne. I’m really interested to see how much of the game’s original charm they can bring to the silver screen – the comic book elements, the dark noir atmosphere, the allusions to New York’s very own ragnarok, the creepy flamingoes, and goddamnit, the soap opera too!

Either way, the trailer looks pretty awesome and I’m excited. Not entirely sure what to make of the bird / angel / enemies beyond the natural world theme they seem to have going there (are these guys high on Valkyr or what?) but whether or not it stays true to the game, I’m anticipating a good dose of entertainment.

Unfortunately, this story doesn’t end in smiles and lollipops for everyone. And why is that, you ask?

It’s because 20th Century Fox are a bunch of jerks.

According to the word on the street, many die-hard Max Payne fans are actually planning on boycotting the movie when it comes out thanks to a little project called Payne & Redemption which Fox fucked up the ass and made its bitch.

Basically, after the release of the games, a guy named Fergle Gibson (HAHAHA “Fergle”) decided it’d be fun to make a short, independent amateur film based on the Max Payne games:

Set a few years after the events of Max Payne (and before Max Payne 2), Max Payne: Payne & Redemption surrounds the psychological trauma endured by the title’s main character after having to deal with the incidents from the story within the first game.

It started off as a little bit of fun for some fans of the games, but took on a life of its own after it generated interest from professional actors and industry crew who all volunteered their personal time to work on the film – these guys seriously deserve a proper shoutout for the work they put in to this thing. Even Sam Lake, the creator of Max Payne and writer of the videos (he was actually the face of the character in the first game, too) showed his full support in saying “Payne & Redemption seems very ambitious and impressive. Good luck with your project! Looking forward to seeing it.”

And what happened then? Fox bought out all rights to the franchise then cried like little girls and specifically banned the Payne & Redemption crew from producing anything to do with Max Payne ever, because apparently multi-million dollar corporations are easily upstaged by tiny independent film projects these days.

So, go see the Max Payne movie in cinemas October 16th, but spare a thought for the little guy! Check out the Payne & Redemption blog and forums and read up on the latest gossip – I hear they’re actually continuing on in their venture like the battlers they are and re-making their entire fucking film sans Max Payne references – plus they have some hilarious anti-Fox rants telling the whole story, so you know.

Really I’m just interested to see whether unlike previous wardrobe malfunctions from the games, Max’s coattails will actually deign to conform to the laws of gravity this time.