Hi, It’s Me, Your Facebook Girlfriend!

Hello there my little snookle-wookle, how are you going today? Just thought I’d leave a loving note on your Wall so everyone can see how close and in love we are! I know we just finished a 50-minute phone conversation and were together all day today, but I’m really insecure and need to validate our relationship infront of all of our friends to make myself feel wanted!

I’m also going to call you adorable pet names at every opportunity, because it’s so sickeningly cute when we do it, no one will doubt how totally in love we are! Right, snookums? Tee hee!

I should probably mention, it’s a requirement of our relationship that you also make up ridiculous pet names to call me on MY Wall, because if you don’t then I’ll cry over the phone to you for three hours about how you’re distancing yourself and don’t love me any more. Don’t you know? Facebook comments with lovey-dovey goop prove that our love is FOREVER!

Awww, I just changed my status to “is totally in love with her diddle-cakes” (that’s you!). Isn’t that sweet!? It’s the same as all of my previous status messages, only I changed the pet name so that it will pop up on everyone’s noticeboards again and remind them that we’re totally in love!

What’s that? Your comment stats show that all the rest of your friends combined have left you 27 comments, and I’ve left you a total of 73,689? Well, silly, that’s just because the higher the quantity of your page I fill with TOTALLY CUTE comments, the higher the quantity of OUR LOVE! And remember, you have to reply to every single one or I’ll probably think you’re seeing someone else! I’m your girlfriend, and monopolising your life makes me adorable!

Tee hee! I just found the gift application, which lets me send you meaningful presents in the form of a little pixellated jpeg image! I’m going to send you a RING gift, because it shows I’m totally serious about our romance and hints that I want you to give me a real one! You have to display it on your profile, so all our friends will you know want to marry me!!

By the way muffin-bunny, I just added some new photos! Wanna see!? They’re all of you and me, together! Making out! Please comment on every photo about how much you love me and how cute we look together, because I need you to grant me public attention in order to make me feel desirable. Also, you have to set one as your profile picture or I’ll assume it’s because you think I’m ugly and are embarrassed to show me to your friends, and I won’t let you hang out with any of them anymore! Tee hee!

Hey, who’s that who just posted on your Wall! Is that A GIRL? Who is she? Why don’t I know her? Are you guys sleeping together? Because if she comments again, I’m going to call your mother and tell her you’re emotionally abusing me! Wouldn’t that just be the cutest!? I’m going to add her as my FRIEND, so I can leave totally nice messages on her Wall when actually I’m going to use her details to stalk her and pry into every aspect of her personal life so I can make sure she’s not a threat to my claim on you! I’ll be sure to mention how in love we are every time I talk to her, just to be sure she knows you guys aren’t allowed to be friends, ever!

Well, I’d better go now, my little dookle-snuggle-wuggle machine… So I can call you and we can talk for another 73-minutes on the phone about how in love we are! I’ll be back online approximately 7.3 seconds after that to leave another comment though, probably about how we just talked on the phone so everyone knows I’m your girlfriend and we talk ALL THE TIME. So you’d better check your Facebook again soon! If you don’t, I’ll never have sex with you again!! Isn’t that adorable!?

Love,
Your Facebook Girlfriend

(Be warned: girlfriends are not the only scary thing you’ll find on Facebook. Check out our recent article on the Facebook virus which has been going around.)

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