Giant Fucking Spiders are NOT TO BE FEARED. Totally.

So one of my good friends recently moved to a new apartment, and we had a little housewarming party.

I, being considerate and kind, offered to make dinner. This meant that I made everyone hotdogs, because that’s the only food I can really make consistently. I mean, I’ve tried pasta before, but fucking Christ, that whole boiling the pasta till it’s “al dente”? The first time I tried, the meal was delicious, but the second time, it was sort of like eating cut up bits of hollowed sticks. But I make some killer hotdogs.

Well, anyway. We got around to talking about how due to her living on the ground floor, and not having a bed yet, she’d probably get some spiders. You know, no big deal. Just huge, gigantic spiders that would eat her face as she slept. Or something.

Needless to say, she was freaked out and yelled at us to shut up about the god damn spiders. So we stopped talking about the spiders eating her face, and talked about how rational it was to have a fear of spiders. I mean, most of them are small, harmless, and are generally afraid of you. (Or…so they say). They eat the other bugs in your house, and are basically doing you a sort of favor. So, how reasonable is it to be terrified by such kind and gentle creatures? So what if they can cause necrotic arachnidism?

There’s a pretty funny story that I’ve heard about a woman capturing a black widow, and being too afraid to kill it, she kept it in a jar in the kitchen, and waited for it to suffocate. Somehow, weeks went by and the thing was thriving and well, even with no air and no food. She was horrified and decided that clearly this some sort of devil spawn. But a few days later, she came into the kitchen at an earlier than usual time before work…only to find her husband cackling to himself as he unscrewed the top of the jar just a tiny bit to let in air. Her husband had been keeping the thing alive to freak her the fuck out for shits and giggles.

I don’t know the ending to that story (the husband is probably dead right now), but basically spiders aren’t immortal. They can and will die if you suffocate them, light them on fire, or squish them. So there’s no need to be scared at all. (Unless, like me, you saw Arachnophobia when you were a little kid, and keep expecting one to jump on you in the shower). We talked this all through, and we were pleased with how brave and mature we were being. We were finally growing up. Psh. Spiders. There’s nothing to be afraid of.

Two days later, my friend found a giant wolf spider just kicking it in her bathtub, and called me to tell me that she was still afraid of spiders. I laughed at her, and told her to grow up.

The next day, I found one in my shower, and I screamed like a little girl.

Motherfucking Karma’s a bitch.

PS Remember that “Bought a DOG” meme after the internet showed up as a special guest on Fox news, blowing up vans and shit? Apparently, spiders are so fucking badass, they’ll kick the dog’s ass.

Never mind that the dog probably died from something else, I’m telling you. They’re fucking out there. Waiting for you. Waiting in your toilet bowl, ready to attack.

But there’s nothing to be afraid of. Yeah.

Another Facebook Virus / Spam…

One of our astute readers left us this comment on the past article on this topic…

Hello again!

Just to let you know that the virus has either got a cousin, or has gained power to mutate, cos I got a new wall post from a friend which says something along the lines of (this is one “she” – or it – posted on someone else’s wall) :

—————————
Hello [recipent's name],
Steve told me something that blew me away, he has been taking growth pills from http://gainhuge.com.cn/ for the past eight months, and he is the talk of the dorm, never had girls now i cant count the chicks he’s with. The pills actually do work, they are guaranteed to work or all your coin back, yes this is the real deal you need to try it for yourself to believe and you wont be sorry!.

http://gainhuge.com.cn/
—————————

If you read it carefully, it looks like it’s been roughly translated by an automate, from the mistakes and all…
I’ve crosssed the name steve in both friends’ lists, and neither the sender or the reipient have someone named steve in their friend list – so apparently the virus can’t access your facebook info… yet…
The virus seems to have spread to 11 of her friends, but from her notifications it doesn’t mention me, even though I got it, so lord knows how many people have really received it from her…
I have looked through the net (google, live search, ask, yahoo) for any threads concerning this new form of the virus, and haven’t found any, so I thought I’d comment about it here so that if anyone feels like looking it up theye might find it… And it keeps you up to date of course!

Ben.

Thankyou Ben, you’ve officially saved every man out there that might have been offended by this comment from one of his female friends. “Hey…uh…Chris…there’s something I’ve wanted to talk to you about…um…you know, you haven’t really been dating lately…There are these pills, and you know…it might help…”

Way to destroy a guy’s self esteem. God, you’re such a dick, Facebook Virus. See if I ever talk to you again.

The Nintento Wii: Just Because Something Has Potential Doesn’t Mean it Won’t Suck

My apologies for the short hiatus, folks; things have been busy in our mountaintop lair of late. Utensil uprisings to plan, and all that.

Now, far be it from me, a lowly blogger, to lay the proverbial smack down on a poor unsuspecting gaming console – and one I don’t even own, to boot. But really, what am I going to do, hurt its feelings? I HOPE I make it cry, because quite frankly – and I’m just going to put this out there right now – I think the Nintendo Wii should be ashamed of itself. Sent to bed without dessert, if you will. (Though there’s many a fanboy ready and willing to stroke it to sleep at night, so I don’t feel I’m being too harsh.)

So as not to kick a dead horse too much, I’m going to try to refrain from making wee jokes in this article. It’ll be difficult for me, but if you use your imagination half as much as I do I’m sure you’ll catch them anyway.

I remember the leadup to the Wii’s release. So to speak. (That didn’t count, okay.) All I knew of this mystical new console was that it was white and shiny and, according to their media campaign, would change the face of the gaming industry forever.

I remember going to a friend’s house just after its launch and getting my hands on one of those sleek remotes for the first time. My friend told wide-eyed stories of a gaming revolution to his dubious technologically-challenged father, about how the Wii was going to change the way gaming is perceived; about a transition from the archetype of dungeon-dwelling geeks with no social skills holding basement weddings to cardboard cutouts of Lara Croft, to the heroic, outgoing gamers of the future! Gamers who would get their exercise for the day in a game of Super Mario Galaxy and marry sexy athletic girls in tiny shorts playing Wii Tennis! Yes, my friends, the Wii would change our world – no longer would gamers have to conceal their nerdiness; no longer would they be ashamed to admit who they really are. This was the time for us gamers to merge into mainstream society – a time when we would be accepted among our peers as equals, nay, the cool, trendy technological elite!

Or something like that.

But hey, even if you didn’t buy into the hype surrounding the product, the point is that when the Wii came out it had POTENTIAL. People expected great things, radical things, something which would, if not change the world, at least change the way we enjoyed our gaming experience. It was wielding a real “sword” instead of pressing X a bunch of times. It was using real aim instead of nudging a little joystick to swivel the camera on-screen. Like I said, it was Potential, with a capital P.

I mean, check this guy out:

Ignore his deadpan geekiness for a moment and admit it – that is fucking cool.

Unfortunately, as with every awesome thing ever, it backfired. Our dreams of playing Goldeneye in 3D (aww yeaah) have been crushed. Instead of giving birth to a new, hardcore awesome generation of technologically advanced games and mainstream gamers, the Wii gave birth to a monster. It gave birth to… the Wii-tard.

The future of gaming.

But see, it’s not really the fault of the system itself. The Wii still retains every ounce of Potential that it once did. The fault, I believe, lies with the game developers themselves.

The games. Are TERRIBLE.

The Wii. Makes people fucking retarded.

Instead of appealing to, you know, gamers, the game developers for the Wii inexplicably decided to design games for insipid rave-going tossers who get so fucking stoned in a pathetic effort to look cool they don’t even notice how much the games suck. In an effort to make gaming a social activity and cater to a younger, more retarded age group, they’ve dumbed it down to the point of sheer unadulterated stupidity. It’s the culture jump from the original Star Wars trilogy to Episode I all over again. For the love of god, when will it stop?

I started writing this article after going to a party where everyone got completely wasted and played a game which was basically about manic bunnies and their craaazy antics. There is nothing in the English language which can possibly convey to you how much I despise the idea of a world in which waving your hand around in the air to get a costumed rabbit with ADD to talk as much as possible on a cellphone in a cinema before the usher comes in to bust you is considered entertainment.

Failing that, there are plenty of other wacky adventures the Wii can set you upon! You can even build a city out of cake! They must be compensating for that getting-no-dessert thing.

For Christ’s sake.

Hi, It’s Me, Your Facebook Girlfriend!

Hello there my little snookle-wookle, how are you going today? Just thought I’d leave a loving note on your Wall so everyone can see how close and in love we are! I know we just finished a 50-minute phone conversation and were together all day today, but I’m really insecure and need to validate our relationship infront of all of our friends to make myself feel wanted!

I’m also going to call you adorable pet names at every opportunity, because it’s so sickeningly cute when we do it, no one will doubt how totally in love we are! Right, snookums? Tee hee!

I should probably mention, it’s a requirement of our relationship that you also make up ridiculous pet names to call me on MY Wall, because if you don’t then I’ll cry over the phone to you for three hours about how you’re distancing yourself and don’t love me any more. Don’t you know? Facebook comments with lovey-dovey goop prove that our love is FOREVER!

Awww, I just changed my status to “is totally in love with her diddle-cakes” (that’s you!). Isn’t that sweet!? It’s the same as all of my previous status messages, only I changed the pet name so that it will pop up on everyone’s noticeboards again and remind them that we’re totally in love!

What’s that? Your comment stats show that all the rest of your friends combined have left you 27 comments, and I’ve left you a total of 73,689? Well, silly, that’s just because the higher the quantity of your page I fill with TOTALLY CUTE comments, the higher the quantity of OUR LOVE! And remember, you have to reply to every single one or I’ll probably think you’re seeing someone else! I’m your girlfriend, and monopolising your life makes me adorable!

Tee hee! I just found the gift application, which lets me send you meaningful presents in the form of a little pixellated jpeg image! I’m going to send you a RING gift, because it shows I’m totally serious about our romance and hints that I want you to give me a real one! You have to display it on your profile, so all our friends will you know want to marry me!!

By the way muffin-bunny, I just added some new photos! Wanna see!? They’re all of you and me, together! Making out! Please comment on every photo about how much you love me and how cute we look together, because I need you to grant me public attention in order to make me feel desirable. Also, you have to set one as your profile picture or I’ll assume it’s because you think I’m ugly and are embarrassed to show me to your friends, and I won’t let you hang out with any of them anymore! Tee hee!

Hey, who’s that who just posted on your Wall! Is that A GIRL? Who is she? Why don’t I know her? Are you guys sleeping together? Because if she comments again, I’m going to call your mother and tell her you’re emotionally abusing me! Wouldn’t that just be the cutest!? I’m going to add her as my FRIEND, so I can leave totally nice messages on her Wall when actually I’m going to use her details to stalk her and pry into every aspect of her personal life so I can make sure she’s not a threat to my claim on you! I’ll be sure to mention how in love we are every time I talk to her, just to be sure she knows you guys aren’t allowed to be friends, ever!

Well, I’d better go now, my little dookle-snuggle-wuggle machine… So I can call you and we can talk for another 73-minutes on the phone about how in love we are! I’ll be back online approximately 7.3 seconds after that to leave another comment though, probably about how we just talked on the phone so everyone knows I’m your girlfriend and we talk ALL THE TIME. So you’d better check your Facebook again soon! If you don’t, I’ll never have sex with you again!! Isn’t that adorable!?

Love,
Your Facebook Girlfriend

(Be warned: girlfriends are not the only scary thing you’ll find on Facebook. Check out our recent article on the Facebook virus which has been going around.)

Sup Kids? Luk Here! LOL! Facebook Virus Warning

There’s a Facebook virus that just hit… what, today? I have no idea, but it looks like most of the comments on this blog seem to be from today, so probably. Probably this last week?

The message basically reads something along the lines of:

“hi [your name], lol i cant believe is that you?

have a luk urself…
[Insert what appears to be a google link to a download; I'm leaving the link out because I didn't bother opening it and it would be retarded to leave it here for unsuspecting readers to open. Haha.]**
(click open or run when prompted)”

Aside from the really, really fucked up “Click open or run when prompted” (that sounds so…friendly! So intimate! Clearly, we’re quite close here), it’s ridiculous because that’s the only part of the message where everything seems to be spelled correctly. Ok. SURE. WILL DO. I’LL BE SURE TO RUN THIS SUSPICIOUS PROGRAM ON MY MACHINE.

Anyway, people are fucking retarded, and will more than likely download it, and we’ll all just keep infecting each other until we’ve managed to wipe ourselves off of the planet. So basically, we’re just going to turn the internet into America.

If I EVER left anyone a comment saying, “lol have a luk urself”, what I would really mean is “Please shoot me in the head for not being able to spell LOOK.”

I swear to fucking god, they HAVE to be getting poor migrant farmers from some tiny rural village in bumfuck China to write these things. Or teenagers. Whichever.

Either way, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

** This was to protect the innocence of my more retarded friends. The link is actually “http://www.google.com.id.ewv1g6d2.ij4s0h.2b99df1a.cn/gallery.php?id=dd83hikzt&auth=9490559&cyua=iy2qpfpelm”. If you see this link, DON’T FUCKING CLICK AND DOWNLOAD IT. If you do, you deserve whatever hell it gives you.

[edit] Sounds like there are a few different links. One of the comments below cited “http://www.google.com.id.ft8s7b8n.9qie28.2b99df1a.cn/gallery.php?id=fx83wox9d&auth=4544912&cyua=majf63uvx9″.

[edit2] LOL. The link right above this edit, the one that ends in majf63uvx9, will apparently infect you as soon as you click on it. Whoops for putting it up. (I’m leaving it there, just to see if anyone else clicks on it despite this very, very obvious statement saying not to.)

[edit2.5] AND another. “http://www.google.com.id.2kcj3t2m.1um8b9.56982a17.cn/gallery.php?id=l18u1dj62&auth=1836653&cyua=9g5qckjlyd”. Remember, DON’T CLICK ON IT =/ These are just for reference purposes only.

[edit3] Just a note: if you’ve accidentally clicked on one of the links and are worried your computer may be infected, SEE THE COMMENTS on this article for help.

Also, here’s another horrible plague on mankind to watch out for on Facebook =|