Hell on Earth: Japanese 101

So a few days ago, I was sitting in class, minding my own business, when one of my classmates turned to the one beside her and suddenly asked:

“So, I was thinking about it this weekend and…like, I can’t decide. Who do you like better? Sailor Mars or Sailor Pluto?”

The other student replied, “Oh, Sailor Pluto for sure. She’s so cool.”

Needless to say, I killed myself on the spot. But before doing that, I wrote this list.

The Five People You Will Meet In An Introductory Japanese Class

1.) The Anime Freak – Female: Depending on what publication, your dictionary may have a picture of them next to the definition for “Retina-Melting Horror”:

You may remember this person from high school. Think about them then, and then multiply the annoying by about 10. At best, this person will be quietly looking into their binder, attempting to emulate what they believe to be Japanese modesty and serenity. At worst, they will be loud, obnoxious, talk in a high pitched voice, enjoy wearing cat ears around campus, and they will be without a doubt completely and utterly in love with Japan. In the most disgusting way possible. And by most disgusting way possible, I really mean, their very existence causes Japan to sink a little further into the Ocean in horror. Kawaiidesune? ^__^

2.) The Anime Freak – Male: The counterpart of number 1. The members in this category can go one of two ways: They will be surprisingly normal, albeit awkward and …well, in love with anime, or they will be self righteous assholes, who know everything about everything because…well, they watch anime. These are the people who tend to argue with the (Native Japanese) professor about how a word is used in Japan.
***May also be “serious internetters”. Look out for usage of internet memes and jokes IRL.

3.) The Linguistics Major: This person might be taking the class to fulfill a requirement for the major. A number of them seem confused and frightened by Types 1 and 2, but not confused and frightened enough to avoid them. They might sit and awkwardly laugh along to the jokes, or they might simply read a book or talk to the teacher.

4.) The Asian Studies/Japanese Language Majors: These people sometimes overlap with Types 1 and 2, however, we can assume in this article that this references those who do NOT overlap. A good 50% or so of these people are Asian themselves, or mixed. They will usually sit on the opposite side of the room from Types 1 and 2, and will hang their head in shame at every stupid question the teacher has to answer. No, pokemon do not really run around Japan. Yes, Japanese people don’t all love anime. The non-Asian Type 4’s may hesitate in telling others their major, or immediately qualify themselves with “But I’m not THAT kind of Japanese major. I know I’m white, ok?”

5.) The Slacker: These are the Chemistry and Physics majors who just need to take a language to graduate. They might be Korean or Chinese, or possibly even part Japanese. They come to class a little bit late every day, and leave as soon as the bell rings. Interaction with Types 1 and 2 are minimal, and they may occasionally speak to Types 3 and 4 to ask what the homework was. However, most simply want to graduate and get out, and thus, do not care.

So there you go. Enjoy your language class, and remember, UP the highway, not ACROSS the street.

With a Yo Ho Ho and a Really Sweet Bass Riff

So I don’t know how many of you get your musical suggestions. Some people get theirs from friends, others by following such programs as Pandora or the suggestion box of Amazon.com, others just take a wild stab in the dark and buy (or download, let’s be honest here) whatever strikes their fancy. As for me, I usually stick with the things I’ve been listening to for awhile or overhear in a friend’s car or something similar. But one thing I’ve also tried out a few times is by asking random people on the internet.

Now this always meets with the most random results you’ll ever see, which makes it all the more fun for me. Sure you get a lot of shit in the process, from the guy who will admit he doesn’t like a band because “it’s not emo enough” to the guy who suggests a CD about the delicacies of devouring babies in the elegant usage of screams, grunts and death squeals. But you also come across bands you’d never even think of checking out otherwise.

Now I’m sure those of you who follow the Metal scene probably have already heard about this, but for those of you who like me, appreciate Metal but don’t track its movements like a hobo following a drunken tourist, you may be just as shocked as me.

Pirate. Metal.

That’s right, guys, pirate-motherfucking-metal. Let’s be honest and cynical as hell, because as people of the internet we can allow ourselves that. Now, Pirate Metal, allowing ourselves to our honest cynicism, sounds like the stupidest idea ever. But the reality, my friends? It’s like getting really stoned, watching Pirates of the Caribbean, only Johnny Depp also has a really bitching guitar. One person I know referred to it as “badass, but hilariously so” and jesus-tapdancing-christ that’s the perfect way to describe it.

Now while I haven’t fully immersed myself in this rather amusing genre of Metal, I have managed to snag myself a copy of Captain Morgan’s Revenge by (the appropriately named) Alestorm. I’m constantly surprised by finding how much I’m really getting into it. It covers such things as a crew mutinying and being cursed by their Captain before he dies, terror on the high seas, and to more amusing topics such as a man named as the Pintmaster who fights with a flagon of ale and is undefeatable to a song called “Wenches and Meat” which, knowing me, will most likely be the thing I sing next time I’m drunk in a bar with people who are similar to me in the fact that they will remember nothing of it in the morning.

Of course, those sad pitiful bastards that like neither Pirates nor Metal will naturally not like this either. Also, while I find the genre to be amazing and hilariously badass as aforementioned, I can also see how the novelty can wear off mighty quick. Nonetheless, if you feel like a quick laugh and something that is most definitely interesting as hell to listen to, pick up a stein of your favorite beer, drink up and slip in some Alehouse. If by the second or third drink you don’t find you and your friend swaying in unison and mumbling the lyrics under your breaths, then you’re obviously nothing but a sorry landlubber.

I have to say though, this does make me wonder about other types of Metal. I’ve heard of Power Metal, Speed Metal, Prog Metal, Symphonic Metal, Death Metal and many others, yet for some reason this genre keeps on throwing sub-genre after sub-genre at me. Each one has certain similarities but also brings something new to the table and Pirate Metal is merely my most recent discovery. I think out of curiosity if nothing more, I’ll start typing random words before Metal and seeing what pops up. “Boob Metal” perhaps. Or “Super Totally Awesome Metal”. But know this, oh readers, if I don’t return to rant on another day that’s only because I’ve found the one type of Metal that by its mere name alone will make all other subgenres of Metal completely obsolete.

That’s right. Ninja Metal.

~ Guest Article written by Agent 22

Your MOM is the World’s Oldest Joke

According to the Brits, the “world’s oldest joke” has been traced back to 1900 BC.

You can thank the 19th Century BC for bringing us other such whacky hilarity as the rise and fall of several unpronounceable Pharaohs (where by unpronounceable I mean they all had the same name and I can’t pronounce it); the birth of Abraham, founding father of the Israelites (and that really annoying song about his many sons we used to have to sing in choir as a warm-up); a war or two, and an invasion of Greece by some other Greeks, presumably because they were attention whores and wanted an awesome blockbuster action movie to be made about them 40-odd centuries later.

Thanks to the research of the esteemed University of Wolverhampton, we can now add the birth of toilet humour to that list.

I’m not even kidding, it was a smut joke. Check this out for cutting edge Sumerian wit: “Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.”

Oho! Zing! Yeah, you uh… you tell ‘em. Did I mention the 19th Century BC also played host to the fall of the last Sumerian dynasty? Yeah. I think I can see where the downward spiral kicked in. It could possibly have had something to do with their civilisation being run by potty-training toddlers and giggling pre-teens.

But hey, who am I to judge? Us 21st Century-goers are the ones funding actual university programmes for intensive research into dirty jokes. Their final publication on the study was actually the “world’s oldest top 10 joke list”, which sounds like a Cracked article waiting to happen.

Landing a close second place a few centuries later was a gag about another unpronounceable pharaoh quoted as “How do you entertain a bored pharaoh? You sail a boatload of young women dressed only in fishing nets down the Nile and urge the pharaoh to go catch a fish.” Talk about eccentric. Apparently hiring a stripper was too easy for this guy.

Coming from the Brits in the 10th Century we have “What hangs at a man’s thigh and wants to poke the hole that it’s often poked before? A key!” Gosh! And here I was thinking it was going to be your penis! Oh those crazy Anglo-Saxons, they sure fooled me with their provocative irony and rebellion against taboo.

I guess what’s really more comical than the jokes themselves is that nothing has really changed in the last four millennia. But can we learn from our mistakes, people? You know as well as I do it was only a matter of time before the Ancient Egyptians started gluing captions to their cats, plus those Sumerians were probably right into the 2 Girls 1 Cup action, and look what happened to them.

Let us break the cycle, once and for all.

Watch Me Make This Pencil Disappear (aka The Dark Knight movie review)

So this week, I went to go see Batman: The Dark Knight, because I am a conformist who easily succumbs to peer pressure. Also, I desperately wanted a hot dog that night, and when I was told that I could get one AND a drink for the mere price of 2.00 (at a THEATRE!) because a friend worked there…well. I was sold. Note that I don’t actually know anything about Batman, and that I haven’t seen any other Batman movie. So I might be wrong here but…

The movie was fucking ace.

Despite the fact that Batman sounds like a heavy smoker named Barbara, all of the acting was fantastic. I’m not one to be into super hero movies, because they make me think of movies based on video games (oho, what’s this? We just had an article related to this? Really?) I feel a little bit like the producers are trying to rip me off, taking something I enjoy and making it into a flashy, high end film with the hottest actors that their budgets can manage. And usually COMPLETELY lacking whatever it was that made the original product so great. Never the less, I did like Ironman, so I figured I’d give this baby a shot.

The movie was like 458420 hours long, so I won’t try and write out a summary for you. Just some key points:

1. Bruce Wayne’s whole “playboy” thing was blown a little bit out of proportion, but somehow, it worked.
2. People are calling for an oscar for Heath Ledger, and he did an amazing job. I don’t think the oscar is going to happen but…Jesus Christ. The guy WAS the Joker. There’s no way you could tie this guy:

And this guy:

Insane. But there’s going to be a shitload of biases in all directions. The fans will want Heath Ledger to get an oscar because he’s dead, the voters won’t want that because…well, because he’s dead. And they probably don’t want to give the impression that death = oscar. Does he deserve an oscar? Who knows?

3. The moment leading up to Two Face…c’mon, I don’t follow batman, and even I was excited. The wait was fun.
4. The Joker apparently has no real backstory, according to my thorough research (aka browsing wikipedia at work). There’s something about him falling into a vat of chemicals or something or other, but basically, they keep the whole “WHOO MYSTERY” theme pretty well. In this movie, he has those scars on the side of the face, which seems absent from the comics, but which reminds me of Kuchisake Onna, so that’s always good.
5. Fuck Microsoft Office for closing and losing the rest of this article.
6. There were a bunch of really random cameos, one of them being Anthony Michael Hall. (That Dead Zone guy?!).
7. Morgan Freeman is always a winner in my books.
8. For those who have already seen this movie: The pencil trick was badass.
9. WTF, seriously, Batman’s girlfriend is a total whore.

So, for those of you who haven’t yet gone, go see it. The music is great, the action is really …action packed, and Heath Ledger does a magic trick. No, really. He makes a pencil VANISH. Don’t spoil it for yourself online though; those videos are poor quality and REALLY, REALLY don’t pack the same punch. You have to watch it in context, and you’ll be pleased that you did.

Why So Serious?: 9.5/10 teacups. Yeeaaaaah.

Step Back, Yo.

We have a policy called “Stepback” at the company I work for. Disappointingly, it’s not the instigation of a mandatory employee rap battle, but rather the task of taking a physical step back before commencing maintenance work and analysing whether you have the right tools, materials and training for the job at hand.

It’s a good thing, I think. Stepping back out of the frame a little and giving yourself room to take a breath and get some insight and reflection happening before you jump headfirst into something. No, really, it’s nothing short of philosophically enlightening! And besides, it’s company policy. I’m sure they’ve thoroughly thought through the ideals – what could go wrong?

Since I’m a model employee, here are some ways I’ve been including Stepback in my day to day routine:

Monday
Printer is jammed. Went to fix it, but remembered management’s instructions and took a step back to analyse the situation. Successfully gauged that I am too lazy to unblock it myself. Phoned Service Centre to request a fix.

Tuesday
Lots on my plate today; projects incoming from three different departments and complaints from all three that their own work should have immediate priority. Performed Stepback and established I do not have the correct tools with which to smash my colleagues across the face for their constant interruptions (my cup was in the dishwasher). Went to lunch instead.

Wednesday
Computer refusing to connect to network. Carried out Stepback procedure and ascertained I would be unable to open the window far enough to throw it out after all, as the louvers may impede objects exiting the 6th Floor on the west side of the building.

Thursday
Had a 9:00am meeting today. After performing Stepback from the comfort of my bedroom at approximately 8:52am and consulting with both my pillow and my cat, I informed management further training would be required in areas such as alarm-setting and not staying up late posting on the internet.

Friday
Was unsure how to proceed with a project received from the field, and Stepback made it clear to me I did not have the correct materials and should workflow task to the “too-hard basket”. Re-allocated my expertise to where it was needed most and employed my Solitaire-playing skills to their fullest extent instead, then left early for the Pub.

Alright alright, I know, I’m going over the top. But I do agree with the analytical ideals this policy puts towards eliminating human error, both in a work sense and a general one. The Stepback strategy, though corruptible as my last hard drive when taken out of context, may seem like pure common sense – but you’d be surprised how many serious injuries have been averted by having it in writing on a task sheet.

Personally though, I think the lead we should follow is my coworker’s take on it – she recently proved this work-safe tactic could be applied to more than just routine Pressure Safety Valve inspections when she lent the same principles to the task of cutting off a couple of malcontent branches high up in a tree in her back yard which were planning gravity-related terrorist attacks on the roof of her shed.

Being deathly afraid of heights, she cleverly took the Stepback approach to gauge whether or not she’d had enough champagne to work up the courage to do it – and proceeded to down half a bottle of bubbly before clambering up the tall, unsupported ladder with chainsaw in hand.

Atta girl! Talk about pushing a fine company line.

No coworkers were harmed in the writing of this article.